update

Right now, it is a wet quiet evening; I can only hear the sound of tires on wet roads and my currently playing, Sarah McLachan – I will remember you.

The broadband isn’t working. I was late in paying the bills, but it is still as slow even after mum went to pay them. Dad insisted that the problem lies with my laptop, not the broadband. After getting my brother a new laptop, they now seem determined to get me to part ways with this laptop and marry a new one; this old lappie will be my dad’s property should I agree, but somehow I have not. I have all my songs here, lined up properly as I have constructed them in various playlists. It is working very well at the moment. Perhaps it is because I am familiar with its workings, and sometimes, as personal as I can make it seem, its tempers and tantrums. I find it difficult, though, to bring this dino laptop to public places and use it, as many is fond of doing nowadays. I prefer my mobile when it comes to twittering, and I always try not to facebook in the public.

Today is the release of SPM results, a day to be anticipated and feared contemporaneously by many students in school. I have been preoccupied throughout the day, and till now I still do not know of my brother’s results. The good brother I am. He did not answer my call.

It is times like this that I feel all alone in the entire world, despite having just returned from the library with friends. No news of the world seem to matter. It would be great having an average friend to talk to now, yet for certain instances I’d want to be all alone and read and write. I’m still grateful to my roommate for letting me use his wireless, and in this way I am, or I feel I am not, totally cut off from this world and the people I know.

Being myself, and being all by myself, are two quite different things. Both are challenges nonetheless. Living in the currents of life being ourselves may seem to be silly and sensible at the same time. Being all by yourself is, however, different. You can only be yourself when you’re all by yourself, when no one else is watching. Contrast the two and the obvious surfaces: that, sometimes they contradict among themselves, sometimes they occur in compatibility with each other, and sometimes they result in confusion.

To put this into an example: you may be yourself, and entirely so, when you’re eating all by yourself. You may not, however be totally yourself when you’re eating with another, even with conscious and sincere efforts in place. We humans are too afraid of what society thinks of us, too worried about opinions of others, that we could not bring it to ourselves to be ourselves in our most natural form when in full view of the public. This is a deeply entrenched mentality, awareness, and whatnot, not easily discarded. Sometimes I have reasons to doubt whether it is entirely capable of being discarded, especially when our liberal western counterparts find difficulties in their striving to be just themselves in public...

I assure you, reader, that despite the melancholic overtone of this post, life has been good to me, and I await with anticipation what more it has to offer to me. (: