Niel Niel

Respect for and from elders

2012-01-27T01:00:00.000+08:00

In orthodox Oriental school of thought, youngsters are indoctrinated to accord respect to elders, and for good reason: elders are older and are regarded to have had been through a lot more in life, hence the adage, or rather, bravado, that the salt I consumed is much more than the grains of rice you've eaten, and that the bridges I have crossed are more than the straight roads you've walked.

I think the reasons for such thought are sound and pragmatic, but today's context is indisputably much different and complex. Not necessarily more enlightened, but certainly much different. Any experiences, lessons and principles from the past must be seen with today's spectacles or risk being obsolete and eventually, elimination. This may include refining said principle by not observing it in toto, much to the indignation of conservatives and fundamentalists.

It is a trend common among most youngsters, dubbed insolence by the older generation, where respect is not naturally given anymore. Today's generation are much influenced by the notion that respect needs to be earned, not given blindly. We marvel when respect is conferred without recognition. We are puzzled when they speak of incurring wrath from above if there are no manners. We get impatient when a beloved parent quietly takes punishment from his or her parent while it is killing them inside.

I find blind respect a most distasteful thing, for starters. If respect comes from knowing a person and discovering gems of admirable personality traits, then blind respect comes from personal choice. A choice to keep respecting, no matter how uninspiring the receiver is. It is a noble thing, to be sure, most educating and edifying. Yet the same adjectives cannot be used for today's young persons, and they constitute the majority.

The joke after

2012-01-24T10:30:00.001+08:00

It is always a great thing to entertain oneself with some jokes to kick-start the day. They are even better coming from family members, and in this case, the youngest in the family.

I was telling dad a joke I read, mostly in Mandarin, about a barber and a young man. A young man popped his head in the barber's shop and asked when could he get a haircut, to which the barber replied two hours. A few days later, the same young man came and asked the same question and was given the same answer. A week later, still the same happened. This time, the curious barber asked his friend to follow the young man. The friend came back laughing, to the barber's puzzlement, and said he followed the young person to the barber's house!

We both cracked up in laughter, but the best was yet to come. Young Marcus quizzed with a half-smile the meaning of 'tou qing', which I had used, and lit the room with even more laughter. He was bright enough to take note and answered his question with a little 'oh, affair is it'.

My kind of morning.

The law is an ass

2012-01-19T00:44:00.002+08:00

The law is an ass.

Enough said.

Power

2012-01-11T13:16:00.001+08:00

At the recent DAP national convention, it was pleasant to see a surge in membership, as well as seeing and sensing the unity in the air, no doubt a heeding of the national chairman's call for 'warlords' and 'godfathers' to 'close ranks'. Definitely a better 'feel-good' than our national budget.

The young have always been crucial assets of any organisations intending to race the long distance. More young people were given the microphone this year, some still spotting squeaky voices, much to my amusement. Yet some are Yang Berhormats!

Many speeches by younger delegates are usually fiery, impassioned and speak of a brighter future, not necessarily lacking in substance. Listening to them reminded me of the call for indoctrination of the many post-308 members, by veterans in the party. Some of the new members appeared to not know an iota of the party's struggles and ideologies. At least the ruling party is right here, to some extent, that opposition supporters usually let their emotions get the better of them.

To give an example: since the DAP is fundamentally a socialist party, there are certain behaviours which are certainly a no-no, such as smoking pipe and speaking with superiority to one's inferiors. Just saying.

While we're at it, remove your gold chain from your neck.

Back to the young. So there was this delegate a few years my senior who went up and took the microphone. He started his speech well, with controlled vigour. The crowd was responding, I was listening.

Then he said this, more or less. First line was ok, something like 'we do not join PR to become ministers and enrich ourselves.' Followed by the errant second line 'we in the opposition are not interested in power!'

That didn't sound right, to me at least.

I discovered that I was not alone. Few moments later, the Selangor Dewan Undangan Negeri Speaker, YB Teng Chang Khim, in his closing speech, took that line rather seriously and upon taking the stage, stipulated that, 'don't say we are not interested in power, we are. I don't want to be opposition forever.'

Bull's eye.

It seemed to me, as I drove home, that if a member of a political party is capable of such naive statements, the average Malaysian must be pretty ignorant, having little idea what politics is all about, much less the ideologies and struggles of the party. These are the new members I was referring to. They don't understand the party, they don't understand politics, and sometimes they don't understand both. How are we supposed to generate ideas useful for the future of this country with such deficit? In any democracy, ideas are the main weapons and rhetoric the main artillery, following which ignorance is the kiss of death to an aspiring democracy.

Politics is about power. It is about snatching power from the other side and sometimes, your own side. This is no Machiavelli. Either you are the government in power or you are not. Such is the reality of politics in a democracy. At the end of the day, you are either elected or you are not. No two ways about that.

If politics is not about power, 308 wouldn't be much of a political tsunami.

Perhaps it was at the spur of the moment that prompted such politically thick line from that delegate. It would be unfortunate if it wasn't. I watched the big guy walking out of the hall after his speech, missing the useful correction from Mr. Teng.

Eye opener

2011-12-13T01:10:00.003+08:00

To witness a lawyer I hold in high esteem publicly behave as he did was a real eye-opener. It showed how far people could go regardless of their creed, deed or breed, when their very own ego is at stake.

As one of the parties involved, it was fair to say that nobody expected him to *not* talk about the issue. There were bound to be some comments. To mention another's name and spend a reasonably lengthy time berating that person, in public - in front of the thousand-strong delegates - with the air of an elder brother schooling his younger and insolent sibling, was to exceed expectations in the most negative manner. No junior, no matter how disrespectful, deserved this.

All this over an issue of... what? A raillery gone awry? A retort twisted?

To add salt to wound, after finishing, another guy stood up to applaud what was said and done.

A Chinese adage provides insightful observation to this scenario: the lower pole cannot be straight when its upper counterpart is slanting. True enough, the chairman's speech, or derogatory didactic, served as the green light for the involved delegates to take their bashing to the platform. Malaysiakini reported that this was the dark cloud of this year's convention: only 1 issue of national interest(hudud) was raised, the majority were...bashing continued.

A party, or its delegates, when faced with rumours of early elections swirling all over the place, still cannot unite to fight the common enemy, that is a harbinger. Most managed to name and remind the party and themselves who the real enemy is, what the real struggle is, but when blood is spilled, there arouse a collective thirst.

The No.1 cannot disclaim responsibility for this.

He could have nixed the issue, nipped it in the bud and ended it. He could have taken his grievances, if any, behind closed doors and lay out the cards and negotiate. He could have blamed it on the communication, rather than the person communicating, and verified it later on, personally. He could have not put on a display of political muscle and public beating.

All because he is No.1. This one reason is and should be good enough. If the captain of a ship is busy off somewhere else, and not commandeering, God bless the crew. Especially when faced with a storm.

With his experience, he should have understood the dignity and integrity every true man possess in his bosom. He should think of the other person as his own comrade, who was humble enough to take it in his stride and who was no commoner, either, not a boxing sandbag.

Such an embattled, over-my-dead-body stance should only be reserved for the worst enemy and staunchest of principles. The issue at hand involved neither, merely semantics.

It was difficult to have a sanguine mindset after, knowing full well that we have disappointed our allies and given the media a field day to write their hands off.

At the end of the day, no work was done, nothing fruitful or intellectually stimulating. The same problems facing us, are still staring at us. This allegedly Chinese-chauvinistic party is still the allegedly Chinese-chauvinistic party.

At the end of the day, as one of the sons put it: no winner, not the party anyway.

‎"All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers." -Francois Fenelon

So you think you read a lot online?

2011-12-04T15:26:00.001+08:00

There was Emperor Yong Zheng of the Qing Dynasty, a very hard-working and dedicated Manchu ruler. He read documents and submissions from and by officials with such vigor, he is said to consume an estimate of 30,000 words per day. That's quite voluminous, even by modern standards.

Today, words and literature are gradually moving onto screens, thanks to the Web. Academic coursework are uploaded by universities and students are expected to download them there. The efficacy of technology tools prove to be an impetus for students to complete their work on-line and on-screen. Newspapers are seeing it fit to introduce their papers via the Web, perhaps sensing the trend in readers, thereby the mushroom of various news portals. It is therefore a truism to say that modern folks obtain a large percentage of information from the Web.

In developed countries, much has been allocated to the digitalisation of education, bringing screens and the Internet into classroom. Induction of technology and the Web thus begin at an early age for the average modern kid. A person reading from paperback and hard-cover books is a rare sight in today's modern context. Instead, screens are everywhere, be it games or books, absorbing the user's attention wholly.

Usually, when it comes to technology, the general attitude is very enthusiastic to see that they succeed and replace more traditional methods of doing things. Be it everyday chores or academic work, technology is heralded as the future. Technology's proponents enthuse about the many benefits, and the facilitation of everyday tasks. Where learning is concerned, the same could be said of such attitudes.

There are always and inevitably two sides to a coin. Would technology be an exception? Unlikely, as it is also a fallible creation by fallible men. What are the ill effects, if any? They should be of a grave nature, seeing as reading is one of the primary ways to improving the human mind.

I was rather disturbed to learn of a research saying how on-line reading is costing us intellectually and cognitively. It's called the Nielsen research. Nielsen is a consulting firm. Quote: "for several years, Nielsen Norman has executed controlled testing of Web experiences, analyzed the consumer aspect of new technologies, questioned the prevailing wisdom of Web design, and issued regular industry 'alerts' on the findings..."

Nielsen Norman offers to help companies make their Web pages easier to use and read and trust. In other words, they seek to make pages more accessible to surfers, and in order to do that they must adapt to the reading habits and patterns of these people. They have conducted many sessions to discover such things from customers, and one of them which attracted my attention was their eyetracking trial, a technique that detects eye movements and charts where on the Web page vision moves and rests, and for how long.

In Nielsen's 1997 alert, "How Users Read on the Web", the first sentence ran, "They don't". It was found that only 16% read text linearly, word by word and sentence by sentence. The rest of them scan pages and pages. The eyetracker found eye movements to be swift when there is nothing to interest.

The research revealed two tendencies of online newsreaders. It is already rare for young folks to read the news, yet the findings are somewhat disappointing as I relate them to myself:

users preferred news briefs to full articles by a factor of three to one. Nielsen generalised, "even in news environments, the most common behaviour is to hunt for information and be ruthless in ignoring details." The eyetracker also discovered that when people do read the full text, they only saw about 75% of the complete text.
users frequently engaged in "interlaced browsing". It means opening several windows and hopping back and forth, most probably to check that one notification, reading a bit on one site and then a bit on another before retuning for more to the original, then opening a new window. This means that users try to find content which are similar to make cross-reading run smoothly, and when they fail, they terminate that page and move on. This also means less bigger words and much shallow content.

There are more to the research. The two points were, however, enough to trouble me. Does it mean that online or on-screen reading equals to less and poorer quality of reading? Yet the screen does provide much convenience.

The only solution seems to remind oneself as the daily surfing and browsing and reading go on. Still, it is unlikely for the reminder to stay put as time creeps by...

Or people should just go back to books? For kids at least?

War

2011-11-30T23:15:00.001+08:00

Wars are a distant thing to Malaysians. Our country is a small player in this globe, and perhaps it is a thing to be thankful about. The abundance of resources of a nation is as much as a blessing as a curse. The spoils of a weaker nation is divided among the strong, and always has.

I used to read with fascination the coverage of various wars in the tabloids. They show colourful pictures of powerful weapons, sometimes in action. The journalists write at length about the encounters, and with vigor they relate feeds from the battlefield. This is very true especially in the mainstream media; the reporters' style of reporting seem to slant towards bragging about how the superior military power beat up the weaker one nice and proper, or how the invaded nation is putting up a spirited defense and what a hard time the conquerors are having until they bring in their mother of all bombs and shatter everything in the way. Hoo-ahh. All these can be exciting to a young boy's eyes, and for a good reason found in a quote I came across:

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." - David Friedman

Yet, as logic begins to water down all the rhetoric and passion, people begin to die by crazy numbers. Men killing strangers of the same species. Who, or what, gave them such right and might, to do as they wish and they want? The imbecile majority, in their comfortable beds, only read from the papers and pass the verdict that the good guys are kicking the bad guys' arses, and together with it, give their moral support to generals and soldiers to keep doing what they're doing.

Though they have been around for a very long time, the imbecile majority does not realise the deployment of the press and language in moulding public opinion and hiding the truth. The battle is fought on land, in the mountains, in the seas, up in the blue skies, but the war is fought in the papers, influencing the house of public opinion of the nations. An embattled nation can afford to be fired at from all directions and still manage victory, but it cannot see fire in its own backyard in the manner of losing support from her own people. The blame may not be on intelligence itself, but the eagerness to rush and immediately believe whatever a certain authoritative, prestigious paper has to say at the end of the day. My dad calls this the white-people fervour- being positive and enthusiastic about anything West or White- and most of us are guilty of it. It seems axiomatic to have to say that we should not take in whatever offered to us readily, and that we ought to think things over before reaching a conclusion, yet this is not always observed when people read papers using the length of their legs.

Wars, and their many instigators, cannot be claimed as victories. Instead they are crimes by nature, no matter the uniform. They are the means to make the rich even richer, they are tools to maintain power. Wars should be seen as Man's greatest failure, and be seen as the heinous abomination they are, something to be opposed by humanity.

Because if you hold your tongue when another is being invaded, the same would happen when it's your turn.

a drive to kill for

2011-11-10T19:47:00.001+08:00

There is never a shortage of scenic places in this town. Located at the border, I am always close to nature and its association.

After trust cases involving cheating sons and half-blind widows, I felt the need to have some serious fresh air. Fang(top of this page) seemed to read my mind; he looked at me happily as I went on facebook for a little bit, and attempted a small bark when I did not look at him for several minutes. Soon we were both walking, him sniffing and puffing and just being desperately happy.

I chucked him back in the house and got into the car. Evening drives are usually breezy and without a specific destination, and this one was no exception. The air was good enough so I was contented to just slide both windows and let the wind do its magic.

After a few runs at my usual Nature-Green spots, I took a turn and ended up somewhere I have never been before. It was an elite-looking neighbourhood, and by its seclusion, rather elite as well. I found it incredible to discover a place in a town where I've lived my entire life. The blues lifted a little as I drove into the strange place of my familiar sleepy town.

The evening sun was descending back into the distant hills, its rays colouring the edges of puffy clouds. The sky was a little blue, coupled with strokes of orange, giving the road some colour. I was immediately greeted at the entrance by a flock of brown and white cows. An alarm rang inside me as I realised that each bison is strong enough to turn my little car over in a rage, and a flock of them would qualify for a stampede. The fact that the herd was only manned by an old, fragile-looking Indian guy did not dissipate my anxiety as I was faced with two choices: drive back the way I came, or drive into them.

I picked up the engine and slowly, began driving into the group. The animals seemed to give way, though not too soon enough, guided by their shepherd's whistle. I looked at them as we passed each other, excruciatingly close. I eyed their horns apprehensively, a little too proximate my car for my liking. A loud thud sounded on my left - a tail hit my ride. It was only after I was out of the pack that I found my left window smacked inward. Good to know Fang has found competition for the Strongest Tail Wagger.

Into the neighbourhood, the houses looked mismatched. Some would rival a luxurious bungalow, while its neighbours resemble a squat. Its population was largely Malay; the field was full with kids ranging from toddler to adolescent playing their time away. It seemed that I found where the middle class Malays of this town take up their residence.

The drive home was much cheerful, even though the sun was already in twilight phase and darkness crept. I was quite happy to discover a new place within a known one, or thought I knew. Now it's preparing for tonight's History class with them Form Two fellows.

on my way home
i will remember
only good days

on my way home
i remember
all the best days

i'm on my way home
i can remember
every new day

Also, this is my 300th post. :)

Just blogging

2011-11-10T00:31:00.002+08:00

I'm not much of a diary person, and by extension, a blog person. Perhaps in a world without borders, spilling your guts out on a public blog is imprudent. Which goes against the reason why this blog, and many others, were created in the first place.

We're just young people trying to blog stuff, and suddenly stuff could and would be used against us. Your future employer could add you in facebook and, by using your facebook name, discover your blog via google. Or maybe you made it easier by putting it on profile.

Private behaviour is a relic of a time gone by. - The Social Network.

Huu-aah.

Guess I'm just rusty at blogging, after a while. You all have a good day.

Update

2011-11-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

Tampered with blogger's new settings and almost lost my blog's current layout. I made a few changes to it, don't know if they're noticeable. If I lost it, this would be the N-th times I broke my oath of not meddling with its current settings.

I've always believed in a clean and simple site where you can read stuff without getting distracted by the site's features and whatnot. Call me old-fashioned, but Blogger's 'Dynamic Template' doesn't quite make me feel it.

Be careful online, and be wise.

2011-09-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

Everything is online now, but when that was a great experience, internet users should be more careful while surfing. Being in your room and your desk and your comfy things create the false impression that safety is guaranteed. Don't be a fool, take care of yourself, and that means your online self.

Reading this article somehow sends a chill down one's spine. It seems bad enough that the virtual world is unsafe; now the second world we created is even more dangerous, with people eluding the law. This should be a clarion call to those who are immensely popular on the Net, pointing to pretty girls specifically. Popularity is like a sweet drink, designed to induce and intoxicate in order to water down our defenses.

litte minds think and talk of people

2011-08-22T02:53:00.001+08:00

At some point we're all little minds. Talking behind people's back and guess what, you're topic for the next gathering of friends.

A high-end way of showing your indifference is to think this: since people are talking, behind your back, why, that means you're in front of them!

It can be so tiresome to deal with people and their baggage. There seems to be no end in sight. People will just keep talking and complaining and throwing stones. I am much tempted to have 'especially' replace 'even' - even if you have had helped out in the past, gossips are punishments you cannot escape from.

With all due respect, I had a great holiday doing stuff I want to do and that includes managing up to the top of Mount KK. So far none of my friends, during their holidays, went for a trip so far away and an adventure so daring. I am proud of have attempted and succeeded in this KK trip. It is, therefore, most upsetting when people(friends) do not appreciate this attempt on my part, and resorted instead to petty complaints and mud-slinging.

Do little minds only think and talk of people and people only? I believe this to be largely true. Crucial it is, hence, for us to identify such minds and maintain an arm's length. The little mind cannot conceive great ideas, nor can it embark on daring adventures. It does, however, find faults with a laser-like precision and with a vengeance.

There is a Chinese adage that may sound highly inhumane and realistic; I leave that to the judgment of my readers, but here it is: a friend who is inferior to me, or my equal, I shall distance myself from, for no improvement or gain can be obtained therein.

How true this sounds, when these little minds complain about issues which had, in my mind, never been much of an issue anyway! They pick and peck at the most unscrupulous detail, they jump at the chance of finding fault with people. In that petty process, they have lost sight of the many precious gems that could have been theirs if only they shift their gaze from people to the present and future.

I do hope,earnestly, none of my readers are such people and minds. You wouldn't know what you have missed. Life is always bigger than us and people, and being petty does not help one to see the light. On the other hand, if you feel offended, that means you're thinking, and for that I have achieved my purpose.

Update

2011-07-30T03:18:00.002+08:00

Without this rude girl mentioning this blog, who knows when will I update it. :p

Right. I'm still on holidays, or what's left of it. Results are coming out soon and every time I think about it, my heart starts pumping blood a little faster. I guess I've been trying to avoid thinking about it all this while, and when I ran into a mate late last night and we spoke about this, I was forced kicking and crying to think about this issue.

Isn't it silly how the advices we fail to follow the most are often our very own?

Had a great session with two friends back from the LawAsia moot this evening at our favourite hideout, by the beach. I didn't know they were under this much pressure, and I certainly did not expect it to come from sources other than the whole moot thing. The gates opened with each drink, and it was not until one of them said that they really needed this that I realised I'm actually a pretty good listener. Maybe intoxication is not such a bad thing after all.

Also, I'll have to start managing my time well. It seems pretty obvious, but this lesson struck deeper when I look at all the adults. I'm well on my way to adulthood, no doubt about that, but whether I'm ready for it is another different thing. Adulthood is both intriguing, intimidating and exciting all the same.

On another note, I have to start reading books rather than buying them. The fact is that on average, Malaysians only read one book a year. Many would be offended by this, or wouldn't be bothered, but I myself think that it is very important for a nation's people to read stuff and if they don't, their minds are fertile grounds for tampering with.

Enough said, and good night.

Update

2011-06-12T02:01:00.001+08:00

I tried to write something poetic but apparently, inspiration does not come offhand.

Enter the third week of my holidays, and so far life is good. Working and playing, time does pass very quickly. Regrettable, as I am guilty of not utilising my seconds and minutes very well. How about not playing dota for the rest of the days? Don't we all?

Had a great night with family eating and spending time together at overtime autocity. My parents are cool people, not your typical parents. Makes me wonder how they were in their younger days. Makes me see my own youth with a skeptical point of view.

Is it an inevitable thing that distances between people grow wider and wider with the passing of time? If it is, what is causing it? For all the sermons and declarations of how important relationships between people are, we live mainly to sate our needs and wants; the rest is academic. Only when we are sated do we seek the people we left behind. Does that make us all filthy liars? Or are we mere helpless mortals trying to make a difference in life before it runs out?

We are helpless because it is sometimes not a question of choice, our choice. It is not a question of whether, but when. It will happen anyway, even the most devoted friend finds out eventually along the way. Does it follow, then, we seek for acceptance and love from the opposite sex after falling out?

For consolation purposes, it is personally preferable to view these changes and shifts as Nature's way of easing and squeezing. The statement that Nature actually helps men and women alike to pick their most compatible mates is both intriguing and axiomatic. Nevertheless it does sound like a pacifist's stand, like standing back and watch while trusting Nature to do her job similar to a trusted butler, without any conscious effort on part of the parties. It follows that a mixed approach is needed to make head and tail out of anything, however it is not so straightforward. It calls for an evaluation of how much, a question of degree, which varies among individuals who are themselves vessels of many factors playing important roles during decision time. It is not bizarre to find the most minute factor ultimately deciding the outcome; rather, it is odd to find one going through the businesses of life in a precise and mathematical manner. It may even be impossible and unnatural.

Hope that I turn and toss lesser tonight.

There has been a death in my class.

2011-05-26T04:08:00.000+08:00

Usually, during holidays, and especially after exams, normal folks do not go to college for academic reasons;the library is especially off-limits. I went to both today, but not for academic reasons. It just felt weird.

That was how I started my day. Friend came to pick me up and we went to college and into the library(where else?).

The news was broken to us by the same friend and later, Ms V handed us the obituary. It was shocking. One of my classmates is dead, a part-time student, a man in his late fifties. Succumbed to head injuries from a car crash. I think the one thing that got all of my classmates was this: our last paper was on Friday, and this guy, already a grandfather, was supposed to fly to Bangladesh as a bank director to handle some stuff, so the car crash presumably took place on Saturday. Straight one day after the exams. That is how fragile and fickle life is.

The three of us got stranded at a kopitiam as it was raining, the obituary in front of us. We couldn't decided whether to attend the funeral which was going to take place the day itself. The rain did nothing but to add to our sombre moods, deep in the shade of blue. The friend who was driving was extra paranoid about road safety. In the end we did not choose to go, as we all agreed that funerals should be left as private affairs.

With the verdict reached, Ms V's words haunted me a little: 'the other part-timers must feel *horrible*; he helped them with their VLE and their assignments, and also the syllabus throughout the academic year. they must feel *horrible*,'

Life and death are cliche-category themes, and for good reasons: they cannot be ignored easily. There is really nothing more I can add to the general idea, knowledge and emotions attached to the two topics. I can only suggest and remind my readers to appreciate life and to live it. Do what we have to do, and do what we like to do - we do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do. Wasted is a man, if during his entire life, he has had not done anything he ought to or liked.

Time

2011-05-25T04:07:00.000+08:00

Exams are over. Three months of holidays stare.

Already my first week is very much packed. I have resumed my previous tuition classes and I think the students responded rather positively, and I thank them, inside, for leaving them without notice during revisions and exams. Note to self: give notice of absence to people before leaving, unless she's your girlfriend. Lol.

Holidays are a challenge themselves. Suddenly time is abundant, ridiculous that might sound, and management is all-important. There is the urge to try to do everything at once and do nothing at all simultaneously - paradoxical. Sometimes I stay awake late into the night thinking in my head what to do in the morning, only to wake up absurdly late and ended up doing nothing for the day. Obviously there lies a distinction between planning and doing, and it has been aptly said that to fail to plan is planning to fail. Hmm.

Nonetheless, responsibilities attached are always present, only that they come in different forms with the passing of time. I have tuition classes, and Mondays and Tuesdays are working days, non-negotiable. A friend has to take care of his ill grandparents at home, one of them down with Alzheimer and prone to aggressive behaviour; we had planned for all sorts of events and now things will have to be put on hold. Some are happily running the romantic fields with their darlings.

Word: we all have obligations and responsibilities.

I saw from a Malaysian lawyer's tweet that he planned his holidays a *year* before. It was quite a shock to me, naive as I am. I knew professionals are going to be tied up with work, but it seems that the extent of being tied up is quite lost on me; I have underestimated its force. A year before planning could be subject to various delays and whatnot. The plan may never materialise at all! This is nutsy.

Note to self: spend more time outdoors instead of squandering it on your usual familiar blue friend. Name starts with a 'F'.

Malaysia oh Malaysia

2011-05-18T22:48:00.000+08:00

My common law paper ended on a rather positive side today. Moving on to contract but alas, the amount of cases... inspires me to blog? Nah, just taking a break.

There is a recent article allegedly written by a Singaporean Chinese regarding the sorry state of Malaysian Chinese here. I read one it, and I think it could be written by someone with an ulterior intent, or just simply looking for attention. Kid yourself not, the Internet, namely Facebook, is a linguistic toilet as a friend once told me. It is free and anybody can post anything up there, including human centipedes. There is no fb filter; whether that be boon or bane is an open question.

Does anyone wonder why racial relations in Malaysia are more charged and tense as of lately? The racial landscape in Malaysia used to be very much different; now it is planted with mines and one has to tread carefully. Everyone is saying something, and occasionally someone says something not very nice and the shit then hits the fan, and everyone loses their minds. This is giving the country a bad name, not excluding its political players.

Even religion is not exempted and often one of the most-used weapons in the arsenal for chaos. I think this is causing many Malaysians to feel rather delusional and disillusioned. The country seems to be heading nowhere but the third-world-country joke shop, yet its leaders are happily throwing mud at any one they can find fault with. I suppose this is the ugliness of a young democracy. Sometimes, I feel that communism, or rather, a dictatorial rule is needed to 'toughen' up or develop a nation before it moves on to democracy. Majority of Malaysians are clueless as to what is happening to and in the country, all they see in the papers is sex this and video that, which helps little to unite the people and provide a direction for our beloved nation. I was once an avid reader in Malaysian stuff, but day by day of reading shit in the media makes me sick. It is as if these people have had no mothers.

One more day to 3 months worth of escapism, namely holidays.

Ok, back to reading exclusion clauses.

1 percent

2011-05-16T12:48:00.000+08:00

I read somewhere that one of the signs of maturity of a person is recognising the fact that 99% of what happened to you and me does not have anything to do with you, him and her. 99% of stuff that happen to us daily, important, trivial, whatever, has got nothing to do with another person, regardless of that person's identity.

Have I had read it two years ago, I would have regarded it as cruel and one of the many reasons why this world is what it is and further deteriorating. Nevertheless I acknowledge its truth, or some grains of it. It is not easy to build bridges between people, and time has the peculiar effect of erasing feelings and fading memories. Until few is left behind.

Examples of people not able to grasp this is aplenty and afoot: we see it in our friends and our popular movies. A guy not over her even after some time. A friend refusing to believe his childhood friend is not the same no more. A friend who still thinks and hopes that things stay the same for ever.

Fact is that things change and with the 99% happening almost on a daily basis, everyone drifts apart somehow sometime. Conversations between two former best friends are meaningless jokes and superficial questions of banality, a futile struggle against what time and destiny has had changed. It is inevitable, and I'm not saying everyone is a hypocrite, only that we are helpless against a stronger force of nature, and no one should take the blame for things changed or remained. No one could.

The holidays after this final exam would do plenty to prove this point. Perhaps some are sick with their year-long classmates, or maybe they just couldn't be bothered. At the end of the holidays we come back and are together physically, our holidays each different from each other and none is willing to share. Unless. Sometimes attempts to share are half-hearted.

All right, back to reading the jury.

Update

2011-04-26T00:45:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it feels like someone flipped the pages of the calendar, and suddenly it's been a while since I blogged.

Enter the second week to the exams, and thanks to lecturers I actually feel quite good to face them, at least the first paper. I think it is important to feel good about going in for the first, as the feel-good factor will slowly but surely dwindle and somewhere down the road the bubble is bound to burst.

As with how things are in the popular harry potter novels, especially before their OWLS, stress and pressure do make people do the strangest things. It's interesting, amusing and a little unnerving to see how easily the human mind can actually be affected, and the extent of it varies greatly among individuals and their level of preparation, of course. For students, a major examination can play nasty tricks on their minds.

I'm very much included. For a while, the idea of earning enough money to pay for a successful gender-change surgery seems rather appealing, and its results even more so. Perhaps another peculiar idea will plant itself in my head tomorrow morning, I don't know.

Until then.

Something Malaysian

2011-03-27T13:20:00.002+08:00

I came across a good read by a friend, and I think stuff like this should be incorporated into our textbooks and made compulsory reading. Here it is:

我是华人，而不是中国人。Saya orang Cina, bukan orang China

这场灾难，见证了日本人的精神，也让我有种冲动，想学习他们的精神，再和大马的同胞们分享，一同进步。尤其是马来同胞，不管其他华人同胞怎么看不起你们，我，依然相信，你们是能的。也许这样说，我会被讨厌，可是这是我的真心话。无可否认，一般华人都比马来人聪明勤劳，相反地，马来人都比华人来得友善，不斤斤计较。我一直想说，马来同胞，让我们一起了解对方好吗？一同打造一个像被世界各国称赞的日本民族一样的民族好吗？当我看到比我们国家还要小的新加坡在科技及经济方面超越我们，甚至把我们甩得远远时，真的很不甘心。为什么我们还在争争打打，无法并肩作战？为什么华人不肯接受马来人，马来人不肯接受华人？我们有过丑陋的历史，但这些已经是往事。最总要的是，未来，原谅我们，接受我们，一同进步好吗？

Bencana di Jepun telah memperlihatkan semangat orang Jepun dan mendorong saya untuk mempelajari semangat mereka, malah berkongsi dengan warga-warga Malaysia dan memajukan sesama kita. Terutamanya orang Melayu, tidak kira anda dipandang rendah oleh orang Cina yang lain, saya, masih percaya, anda Boleh. Mungkin saya akan dibenci atas kata-kata saya, tetapi ini adalah kata ikhlas dari hati saya. Tidak dapat dinafikan bahawa kebanyakan orang Cina memang lebih cerdik dan ringan tulang berbanding dengan orang Melayu, tetapi Orang Melayu memiliki sifat-sifat yang murlia yang tidak dimiliki oleh orang Cina, ramah-tamah, sederhana dan tidak mengira atas perkara remeh-temeh. Kita harus saling memahami dan mempelajari. Berganding bahu, membina bangsa Malaysia yang dikagumi oleh penduduk asing seperti orang Jepun. Saya berasa sangat sedih dan tidak rela hati melihat singapore menjadi lebih maju dari segi ekonomi dan teknologi, malahan tidak menjadikan kita sebagai persaing mereka. Mengapa kita masih bergaduh sesama sendiri dan tidak dapat berganding bahu? Mengapa orang Cina masih gagah menerima orang Melayu, dan mengapa orang Melayu masih tidak rela menerima orang Cina? Biarlah kita melupai sejarah yang hodoh, memaafkan orang Cina, menerimalah orang Cina, berganding bahu kita membina Malaysia yang kondusif.

source: http://darrentlz007.blogspot.com/2011/03/saya-orang-cina-bukan-orang-china.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FelGBe+%28%E4%BC%91%E6%81%AF%E7%89%87%E5%88%BB%29

Most young Malaysians could, I think, identify with the sentiments within the lines without much difficulty, whether they be implied or express. It is part of Malaysian life, the Malaysian experience, inevitable if one took the trouble to look at this country with objectivity and without racial lens.

He is currently a student in Japan, back home because of the unfortunate tragedies the country is facing. I'm happy for him, seeing that his time in the developed nation has not gone wasted. It is also apparent his love for Malaysia has not jaded, and very much wish her the best.

Racism is a two-way thing, and everyone its victim. None could claim to be immune to its colouring. Deep down inside we're a racist, make no mistake. The difference is to how much we are so, and the steps we take to avert it from rearing its ugly head.

Notice when he says that he believes they could make it, he is also aware of the possibility of suffering a backslash from his own race. An objective observation is not everyone's favourite, for it favours no one. He goes on to mention our respective strengths, and hopes for the day when we would reconcile and work together, by understanding each other.

It is quite obvious, it seems to me, that his hope is an earnest one. He is not naive. He is aware of our country's racial predicament. He knows that it is not an easy task, perhaps not supported by even his own race.

Yet, his stay in Japan opened his eyes to see how a nation is united and faces tragedy hand in hand. Japan has been praised in various media streams for their unity, their standing together, and now my friend wants this for Malaysia.

I wonder if it is possible for Malaysia to achieve this. Our country took another dip when the steaming hot sex video issue stemmed up. It is a sign of wanting to cling onto power, I think. A tenacious cling, not to let go, no matter how high the cost may grow.

If that is the case, the real problem, then, is not racism. Most think that racism is the end of Malaysia. A closer observation reveals the contrary, that is, racism is only one of the means to the end. Race is only one of the many heads of the hydra. Do not forget that apart from race, religion is also a frequently used means to the end. The end is to remain, to quote RPK, in the corridors of power. The means are endless and most choose the convenient and effective weapon, not realising it is destructive to our nation.

In the midst of all those thrashing and infighting, we cannot be oblivious to the fact that the rest of the world, or even region, is waiting for us to get our act together. Reading blogs of those who have left Malaysia and working elsewhere, it is an obvious truth, one that our Ministers - with all their children and investment overseas - deny vehemently, while reminding citizens to be 'grateful' and that we need 'political continuation'.

God save Malaysia. Or maybe, Malaysians should wake up from their comfortable rut and see, for once, the bleak future their sons and daughters will soon inherit. Maybe it's time for Malaysians to save Malaysia.

Lest it be too late, and we're exporting maids to Indonesia.

update

2011-03-24T09:34:00.002+08:00

Right now, it is a wet quiet evening; I can only hear the sound of tires on wet roads and my currently playing, Sarah McLachan – I will remember you.

The broadband isn’t working. I was late in paying the bills, but it is still as slow even after mum went to pay them. Dad insisted that the problem lies with my laptop, not the broadband. After getting my brother a new laptop, they now seem determined to get me to part ways with this laptop and marry a new one; this old lappie will be my dad’s property should I agree, but somehow I have not. I have all my songs here, lined up properly as I have constructed them in various playlists. It is working very well at the moment. Perhaps it is because I am familiar with its workings, and sometimes, as personal as I can make it seem, its tempers and tantrums. I find it difficult, though, to bring this dino laptop to public places and use it, as many is fond of doing nowadays. I prefer my mobile when it comes to twittering, and I always try not to facebook in the public.

Today is the release of SPM results, a day to be anticipated and feared contemporaneously by many students in school. I have been preoccupied throughout the day, and till now I still do not know of my brother’s results. The good brother I am. He did not answer my call.

It is times like this that I feel all alone in the entire world, despite having just returned from the library with friends. No news of the world seem to matter. It would be great having an average friend to talk to now, yet for certain instances I’d want to be all alone and read and write. I’m still grateful to my roommate for letting me use his wireless, and in this way I am, or I feel I am not, totally cut off from this world and the people I know.

Being myself, and being all by myself, are two quite different things. Both are challenges nonetheless. Living in the currents of life being ourselves may seem to be silly and sensible at the same time. Being all by yourself is, however, different. You can only be yourself when you’re all by yourself, when no one else is watching. Contrast the two and the obvious surfaces: that, sometimes they contradict among themselves, sometimes they occur in compatibility with each other, and sometimes they result in confusion.

To put this into an example: you may be yourself, and entirely so, when you’re eating all by yourself. You may not, however be totally yourself when you’re eating with another, even with conscious and sincere efforts in place. We humans are too afraid of what society thinks of us, too worried about opinions of others, that we could not bring it to ourselves to be ourselves in our most natural form when in full view of the public. This is a deeply entrenched mentality, awareness, and whatnot, not easily discarded. Sometimes I have reasons to doubt whether it is entirely capable of being discarded, especially when our liberal western counterparts find difficulties in their striving to be just themselves in public...

I assure you, reader, that despite the melancholic overtone of this post, life has been good to me, and I await with anticipation what more it has to offer to me. (:

All the good ones are taken.

2011-03-24T09:33:00.000+08:00

Yes, and you’re the only one left, weirdo. Go, get one, before your younger brother does.

Unnerving, yes, when peeps and peers talk like that, likening people to fruits. Its truth is still a matter for debate, but once in a while it strikes a chord. That’s the truth, power and pressure people can make people feel, and soon everyone ends up doing and living the same way ‘everyone’ does. To some the idea is axiomatically pleasant, the way of life; to some it is deplorable, intolerable and totally not viable.

For me, it is plainly difficult to get past myself. I cannot say and do differently. I have not managed to segregate the heart and mind and subject them to function differently and simultaneously. It is very difficult.

Despite putting up a post on this topic, I cannot say that I am very much bothered by the sweeping statement above, made to me several times by concerned friends. Perhaps it is the exams that are edging closer, perhaps I think of myself as being simply too young to embark on any romantic frolic. Against the world on this issue, I’d rather not debate about it, but go on with life. We all have our rights to live happily in the life of our choice, but to those genuinely concerned, you are very much noted.

This is not the first time I find myself in the minority on a certain topic, and I very much doubt that it will be the last. Once in a while a challenge comes along the way, and life is not the rut a tuition centre runs, without sway.

Ball and the Beach

2011-03-01T11:07:00.001+08:00

I've been trying to lessen the space between paragraphs, seems like it has got to do with codes and complicated stuff. Any help would be very much welcomed.

Just got back from another early morning basketball session. We had more people, 6 actually, so a 3v3 is good. As usual some couldn't make it, their empty boasts a yesterday thing. I won't bluff, but I feel quite good being one of the top players. It's not like I get to feel that way with regards to basketball. Better players are everywhere in my humble little town and I've been playing under their shadows, so a change, no matter how minute, feels good.

One of the things I like the most about these early sessions is actually after it: the beach. Usually players sit down and talk while waiting for their bodies to dry, and a little breeze feels like paradise. Now I get to sit by the beach and have a constant blowing of the salty wind from the sea after every game? That's something very welcomed. I like to lie on my back, nothing in sight but the vast blue sky, and have the sound of the waves in my ears. The view of the beach is not that pleasant, and the road reminds me of earth. No I won't have that. Lying on my back lulls me into thinking that I'm at some Ko, island in Thailand, or the beaches of Sabah. It feels like vacation. It feels everything good, feels like me on a good day.

On the way back however I started to feel a little guilty. Exams are due soon, and my tuitions are still ongoing. I can't indulge too much into this feeling. Law students are expected to be in full throttle at the present, and for all the right reasons. I love the feeling when all there was was the sky and waves, it's so easy to fall into a peaceful sleep in that situation for Niel. Yet only minimum relaxation is encouraged, for now. You relax to study, not relax and lax and get hazy. At least that's it for the next two months and weeks. Failing is not an option.

I look forward to post-exams visits to various beaches! Place your bookings!

inspired post, so-called

2011-02-22T22:23:00.002+08:00

Reading blogs of friends has this inspiring effect on me. I always want to blog after reading their blogs, so here I am.

After a long pause from blogging, for a while, it seems like blogging's no longer relevant. All those bravado that 'we will blog about our lives everyday' just rings empty. Some friends who are working now only blog once in a week or two, and these were such enthusiastic bloggers.

Now, a picture, an album, or a teh-tarik session with a friend or two replace how I used to express myself. Time is also a factor, but sometimes, deciding what or what not to post is a tiring ordeal and frankly, posting something emo on facebook and twitter is much simpler. Chances are, words get lesser and lesser...

Following the release of STPM results yesterday, I am now so much more nervous and anxious about my own exams, due in May. I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be, and it seems to be a paradox, that when you know how much there is to be done, you tend to slack even more than you do usually. It's a weird thing, and totally unhelpful in work life later on. I'm happy for friends who scored. I have yet to ring up friends to ask about their results; some need time to accept their results. For me though, none of the results were any surprises, simply because it reflects the amount of attention and effort put in. Which leads me back to worrying about May, since I have not been working hardest.

Truly, legal geniuses are admirable. They only spend a few good hours on their books and their brains absorb the stuff like a sponge. Some of them go to the extent of being capable of coming out with their own opinions and reasoned arguments, airtight and solid, sounding impressive and big. There is a saying that these people make life difficult for the rest of the pack.

I think I'll stop here for now. Hopefully blogging's still fun, and it could be fun.

blog

2011-02-14T18:54:00.001+08:00

Odd that I choose Valentine's Day to bust this streak of not blogging.

If niel91.blogspot were a long lost *friend*, I am at a lost as to what to say when facing her. It is not uncommon for us to have really good friends in the past, somehow lost contact, and then meet again under today's sun.

Question is, what would you say.

With more and more tasks piling up, I just can't seem to find the will and energy to complete them, day by day. That includes small and trivial tasks. I ask myself many times if this is the drugging effect of a life too good too smooth. In an adverse life one would fight, and fighting becomes a habit. The contrary could happen too, to anyone of us.

What else to say on V-Day? People going out in hordes, sincere lovers improvising to surprise and touch hearts. The world ain't that bad a place when love is involved innit?

Many questions were posed today as well, by worried singles who fear they may have to get past another V-day with the company of their shadows next year, as to whether a guy, and girl, who does not possess good physical appearance, will be able to find his or her soul mate and eventually, marry.

Like many little things in life, this answer goes on a case-by-case basis. The question does not tell enough; for instance, the character of the person in question, or how thick their pocketbooks are, crude that may sound!

I won't try to provide an answer here, but I think people shouldn't overrate this matter, to the extent of scaring themselves. When you think about it, there are much to fear about in life, and perhaps this is not the scariest monster under the bed. Just perhaps.

May ya all be happy in the lives ya all have chosen.

update

2011-01-26T01:35:00.003+08:00

Time flies, and it is the last week of 2011's first month. CNY is up soon. Fingers crossed for it to be truly happy and erm, smooth. That's all we can ask of life.

It is a nice feeling being able to earn one's own dough. For once I feel in charge, and careful at the same time not to overspend any cent.

Still, there is a real risk that I may not make it this May, and the trepidation is... tremendous. While telling others not to let short-term jobs distract them, I'm now in a hole I've cautioned others against. Minus holidays and lazy-days, time is ticking, and 4 months look like a loaf of soft bread.

On another note: a friend just broke another's heart, I heard... Never-ending tales of romances (puppy love?) and heartbreaks and whatnot. It seems a high task to ask of today's youngsters to be just friends with the opposite sex. Somehow, someway, they end up being valentines, or not. If cupids really do exist they must be sleeping on their jobs now.

I still maintain that 20 is an awkward age, being neither here nor there. Tapping on the stubborn door of adulthood after freshly exiting the adolescent period feels kinda weird in many ways. Nevertheless, this year is the beginning of more appreciation of life and youth. The formula? Plan a good plan and make it happen, no matter what, even if I have to do it alone. Life never waits.

High school girls are a curious and vibrant bunch; perhaps I have forgotten what is it like to go to school everyday and only worry about homeworks and the person next class. They seem to chatter happily away on any occasions on any topics; careless to some extent, but I feel envious. Some say they are the best because they don't age! Hence the saying, I suppose: fish for a fat fish using a long rod, simply meaning a long-term investment.

And yes, she's pretty and attractive and very lively.

first post for this new year

2011-01-16T23:29:00.003+08:00

It's nothing to be proud about, but sometimes, I just don't wanna blog about it.

2011 is a tentative year for me, with exams and all. I blogged about 19 being the last year I have '1' in my age, and now here am I, a 20-year-old. Time flies, a rotting cliche, but does not mean it is less true.

I think 2011 is a year when I make serious plans and then walk them. Just draft out a good plan, and then follow it through. There's really no point in waiting. Life zooms like a train when it hits the twenties, and it won't be too long till we're looking back from the point of 30. You think you have not seen a 30-year-old lamenting about his wasted twenties?

Nothing much to write now. Waxing lyrical is not the perfect thing to do now, so I'll say bye for now.

Reason Season Lifetime

2011-01-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .

Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown

Saw this at : http://kykhor2.blogspot.com/2011/01/reason-season-lifetime.html

pingpong.

2010-12-17T04:31:00.003+08:00

I’m currently blogging from bible camp @ CCC, BF.

For reasons I do not know, they call it bible class instead.

November and December have had been the busiest this year, even when I’m ‘camping’ beside the beach. Church activities, that is. Sometimes it all gets a little too much. I do not enjoy too much repetition of something. It wears out fast, on me.

I was reunited with one of my old loves during high school, here in camp. Since I have another day and a half to go, this old flame had really brought back memories deeply hidden in my head.

I forgot to clarify. The ‘old flame’ did not refer to a living person mentioned before in previous entries. It was ping pong.

Only once, I think, have I blogged about this old girl, very dear to me even though I do not get much of her very frequently. Often a younger girl takes her place, and her name is basketball. It is ironic, seeing as most of my high school sporting activities are ping pong ones!

It is tradition for most churches in Malaysia to have one or two ping pong table in their premises. Here they have two shabby ones, though sufficient for a reasonable game. I did not bring my bat the previous camp, but this time Luke is kind enough to borrow his to me, albeit with a ball that broke during the first game. Butterfly bat with no ball bro.

Most of the participants are… so-so, but there have been a few surprises here and there. I played with an elderly man with solid moves and a powerful stroke, complete with experience. It was too bad that he did not have the stamina I would like him to. We had two good games, but it was not enough. I felt like a drug addict cutting short while halfway to paradise.

Tonight I met a young player, Form 3, and we played a series of best of 3, each wining apiece before I sealed the deal. Playing with him brought back so much memories – the various ways players serve, their eyes focused and following their opponents’ every movement with rapt attention, powerful strokes with style, quick feet movement complete with a successful parry and the opponent’s momentary loss of control, and a moment’s hesitation before resuming the game to regain tempo. All these are the many nuances of the game, esoteric in its nature, and give the game its own flavour. Ping pong is only reasonably popular in this country, and its players a niche group.

Playing the young guy brought many moves out of me. Many of them are associated with a particularly memorable match, or with a player I had admired. All these came to me when I managed to smash the ball while it was on the right side, bringing me almost to my knees. Just like old times, I savoured.

Update

2010-12-09T12:21:00.001+08:00

Hello everybody. It's been a while.

It seems like things had been on non-stop since I came back from the youth camp. For now, I'm looking at another camp, starting this Sunday at the same place and for the same duration. This one is supposed to be a little.. older and I hope it would turn out alright.

I'm glad to say here that after the weekend prom and all, true liberation is here. Going home was the right choice. I could not bear to hear my own thoughts, so I sought others instead. Thanks to those who took the time and trouble to listen, you know who you are. These circles of support have been both warm and assuring, and now that I'm back on my feet I am grateful. Family and friends. =]

I was fortunate enough to be invited to join the first event of Penang's 'democracy week' - the Youth Parliament. Issues and affairs of the state have always warrant my attention and concern, and being able to participate in this event comprising of many youths was a great exposure and experience for me. The place was a beauty too, with its wooden halls and soft music.

I did not prepare any motions to table, and was hesitant to join in the debates due to my coughing condition. As the flow starts rolling, however, I began to think of standing up and talking, especially when a girl became the first Ahli to speak! I'm no sexist, just that it was a prompt prodding, that's all!

These debates are, in many ways, testing grounds for oneself. I think the most important thing is to learn how to think on one's feet. Of course, the courage to want to stand up and talk cannot be missing. By the way, the entire proceedings were conducted in our national language. Nothing wrong there.

I have a few thoughts to share. I used to think that oratory skills, language and whatnot, are only attributes. I could not understand when the adults say 'this guy can really talk well'. Participating in this event changed this thought. Not all are blessed with the gift of speech, and it was obvious that day. Being able to think and formulate ideas in one's head, and then delivering them in an attractive and charismatic manner is not easy feat, and not all can master it. Seems strange, but that's how it is. I cannot help but feel irritated when some of the Ahlis who cannot really speak kept standing up to do so, and it was a shared sentiment. Their courage was admirable though.

When it was 12.30pm I had to leave reluctantly to attend class. In the end I missed the headline, which saw everybody at the front page of the Northern region edition newspaper!

That's all for now. Just because there is the word 'prom' up there you cannot expect pretty pictures here can you? Go to facebook lar. :p

Youth Parliament.

Voting.

Hariszuan, a Political Science Masters delivering his thoughts.

sick

2010-11-23T17:04:00.003+08:00

Listening to: Sungai Mengalir Dalam Mu- Yiruma

I cancelled my trip to BM today since I don't feel so well. It is quite frustrating having to sleep all day and have a mini towel beside for all those flu and coughs, not to mention being totally unproductive.

When you're sick, you start to eat stuff like bread and porridge.

It is a trite saying that when one is sick, one appreciates health more, but its truth rings loud..

2010-11-23T00:10:00.004+08:00

I overslept this afternoon, and the punishment is pretty much well-deserved. Sleeping downstairs, I have this habit of having the water cooler blowing straight at me as I doze on the sofa. Thanks to me oversleeping, I woke up with a cold in the chest, now escalated into a flu and sore throat.

Moral of the story: you can oversleep, but beware the water cooler.

Lots of friends, including brother, are having major government exams tomorrow! Be it Form 5 or 6, this is a most crucial exam to take, life-transforming I'd say, so really, God bless and all the best. After these exams, lives will change, and people will fly away into the future..

Gotta sleep early, night peeps. :)

Disquiet

2010-11-22T01:54:00.005+08:00

Big week lies ahead. Finally the youth camp is here. I missed the last meeting today, why thank you for the 10am class this morning. After the meeting ended it turned out that I had been promoted from assistant to... teacher (Dao Shi).

That means I am to lead a group of unpredictable youngsters and talk to them and etc etc, together with my duties as gamemaster.

God, bless me. I'm excited, anxious as well, as this is my very first time and well, people usually screw up on their maidens... no pun intended. God bless me.

Seems like the next Malaysian GE is pretty much around the corner. Have not been reading the news lately, but erm, the feelings are rather... ominous. Fingers crossed for the well-doing of healthy practices in Malaysia.

I wonder how true is the adage 'out of sight, out of mind' in the area of romance. Surely the heart thinks and misses the reason why it throbs the hardest. Moving on with life and everything it has to offer, it is good for one to pause and reflect at times, but silence brings back the most unpleasant memories and well, I'd rather be busy.

Still, it is a wise thing to not overload oneself with such negative vibes. It makes one so not sexy, and it gets tricky trying to find another. They say that to stop hurting, you have to find another whom you care more about. I say that's addiction, shifting from cigarettes to heavier and 'better' stuff. Time is one of the most amazing, though slow, healers and if we learn to let her do her thing, she will.

Make a promise to oneself: a promise not to hurt, and not to hurt others. After all, the sound of all crushing hearts and feelings is pretty much the same, one after another...

p/s: I don't know why, but blogging with pc creates this large spacing.

Update: poverty

2010-11-17T12:25:00.001+08:00

HELO!

This should be the longest break I have had, no updates for what's left of this blog's readers, hah.

I have a few things to share:

- Youngest brother managed straight As in his final primary school exam, praise God!

- Games for the youth camp are in the final stage of preparation, gotta find some time to play it out, just in case.

- Gained a friend after a rather... hostile affair.

- Went to Burma Road Gospel Hall, but the real thing, namely its young people meeting is this Saturday, which I am going.

On the way back from this morning's family breakfast, Dad suddenly decided to show us 'something'. Turned out it was an extremely poor Indian kampung. We went into this building, a hut to us but a home to its inhabitants, and once again we saw poverty in the eye. The ugly side of any ideologies, of societal apathy, of our indifference. Gave them a few daily provisions, and we were given a warm farewell. The kids, 3 girls and 1 boy, held my mother's arm with sparkling happy eyes. A good experience for youngest brother, as his life has had been... showered with much blessings without him knowing it.

But still, poverty is a sting, and still very much so, in this society of ours. Poverty mocks ambitious and lucrative mega projects in the face. Unless we move forward together, Malaysians would only cry and kick into a new era, an unwilling infant.

So many pictures I want to show, but they are all in my laptop... until the next one. =]

Update

2010-10-30T10:28:00.007+08:00

Blogger's becoming more mechanical, no? Can't blog without connection, but there are always options.

It's Saturday, I'm leaving for Penang/classes very soon. The water pressure at the Penang place is getting worse, and Mr. Teh the landlord is kind enough to put up with my complains and finally get someone to have a look. Water Man is coming at 1pm, and I want to be there early.

This year is a funny one with regards to good old coupling. When I was Form 5 the process/game took place early, but this year they happen all before SPM and all 3 Form 5 guys got involved. I think it's weird, but maybe they had in-between breaks that are too long. Things don't change though: super emo people talking to me, asking and thinking and some recovered.

Better out than in I suppose. Dr. Octavius aka Doc Ock once said: you keep something as complicated as love in the heart, you're gonna get sick. Look what happened to the web slinger, he lost his spider-ness for a while.

10.30am. Better fly now. Life doesn't wait for us to make a choice.

Gah

2010-10-27T02:50:00.000+08:00

What a hiatus. I think I almost forgot this blog. Strange, seeing that it was only last week when I brought my camera, all ready to blog about kdu's food and film fair.

A bumpy week this one, no doubt. What's sapping is the sudden tugging at where the heart is softest and when the mind unprepared, rather than the responsibilities I must fulfill. Spoke to a pastor, who told me that I need to get people around me for support, or risk running dry. Rings true, especially when I go to church alone most of the time now. Difficult to find a person who can, or want to, identify with one's inner self.

Gah, this girl again, tugging at the heart. It's been quite some time since we spoke on the phone. A direct question from a good buddy killed the initiative to call her now and then, but the desire, well... throbs now and then. I gather that she's coming to the island this week. Not sure if there would be an invitation since our last and heated conversation, but trying hard not to bank piles of hopes on it. Don't want this crushed feeling no more, not fer a freakin' second more.

I think everyone reaches a certain point in life when it is inevitable to learn to enjoy the company of one's own shadow. Only the humorous can laugh about it afterward.

Oh Great

2010-10-22T05:44:00.000+08:00

I've got 2 email accounts now, since the one I created when I was Form 3 seems gone down the drain now. Re-adding everyone in fb and msn, discovered some new stuff like blogs and tweets along the way, but as it is obvious, 5.44am and still not sleeping...

Nada

2010-10-19T01:18:00.003+08:00

Another lazy Monday. Academic progress is disheartening.

Went to autocity's mcd to meet up with my team. Actually it was just 3 of us, 2 Form 4 kids, and we, the Game Team, are in charge of 8 slots for the camp: 3 opening ceremony, ice breaker, 3 morning exercises, talent night, final night and closing ceremony. Either we heat up the camp or have it sub par, and since it is my first, I would try my best for the former. Managed to communicate with both mates, handed out responsibilities and arranged for future meetings. Big Boss coming in next Sunday, don't want him to drub us in front of them old people committee!

*if anyone's got games or ideas for the camp kindly contact me PLS*

Saw a long-time-no-see girlfriend, she was sitting and singing in front of the computer when her exams are this Friday.. Talked a little bit, but the conversation was quite spoiled due to my loose mouth. I did not mean to bring up the issue, I was just looking for something to chat, and it so happens the two of them know each other very well and so I slipped... regretted it all the way back home. Time shall heal the heart, for now.

Does sickness make one more... emotional than usual? Bro's down with flu and sore throat. One of the girls he's good friends with saw his condition and immediately phoned her mum to get him a full bottle of coo tea! He was pretty touched, talked a bit about her in bed before dozing off. Even asked me how I'd feel if he brings her home to introduce as his, well, the taboo G-word. Have to remind myself that not everyone is, or will be, single at the age of 19, or have had been that way all their life; not in my younger social circles anyway.

Let's read law tomorrow, my language is loosening up most undesirably.

Buzz

2010-10-17T17:03:00.002+08:00

A quick one between study packs, arranging games for the year-end youth camp, and assignments.

Looking forward to the youth camp, since it is the first time I am going to be in charge of the games. A little worried at the thought though: what if I could not pull it out successfully? what if my solemn demeanour gets in the way? Would appreciate a little help here, dear God, especially when my task team is the smallest(of two Form 4-ers...) and they live a distance.

I have also been feeling sick of selfish people. They usually catch me at the wrong time, and it is often hard not to snap. Gah, some self-proclaimed Christians. Sometimes they are not selfish; they just do not identify, and yet we are to work together towards the same goal. It gets pretty frustrating, maddening at times, and I am expected to keep my cool always and forever.

Mum told me that many chapters of my life had passed in solitude, physically and mentally. The future looks rather bleak from that point of view...

Will try to pray and read the Word even more from now, since things are piling and additional strength is needed.

-__-

2010-10-12T15:11:00.003+08:00

Printed around 50+ pages of the study pack from UoL's portal, had to get a new ink cartridge.

Just when I am trying to stay away from the computer to get more reading done, they now force-push students to go online and use their CDs. Save the earth, I suppose. But fb is destroying more things than the earth now.

And I have to stop noticing college guys going after college girls, bad effect on me, hmm..

Book

2010-09-29T00:23:00.004+08:00

Our government used to have this campaign of trying to raise Malaysians' awareness with regards to the importance of reading. Basically, its purpose was to create a reading culture in the fabric of Malaysian society.

Younger readers would remember the implementation of this programme in their schools: the Nilam. Students were given a Nilam handbook and instructed to record any books they have had read, those topping the class or the school given a prize, usually a common file and collateral stationary.

As far as I am concerned, together with my Form 5 brother, this programme has vanished into thin air. Apparently, it could not escape fate, a fate shared by many of our government's policies and brainchilds: a fate of a short life, lackadaisical implementation and subsequent demise.

I was waiting for my parents at Popular bookshop, and while waiting, I took a book whose title has always intrigued me: The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. Somehow, I always thought of Chow Yun Fatt's movie, Bulletproof Monk. I read its summary at its back, and was naturally attracted: a story about a successful attorney falling from grace. Seeing as my parents were nowhere in sight, I flipped the first page and started reading.

After exhausting its first chapter, I was immediately ready to buy and finish the story at home. It was not a very thick book, very much alike a typical novel volume. That means its price is typical too, and its price tag read RM34.90 .

At that moment, Dad appeared and we walked off to lunch.

While munching, I thought about the book. It seemed a shame to lose a book the way I did. I thought about the numerous books in Popular, and the stereotype price they share.

This is wrong.

How could the government miss such a glaring fact? The main reason most Malaysians do not read, and why the Nilam failed miserably, is because books are too expensive?

So simple, yet overlooked. Whether it is convenience or negligence is up for conjecture.

If the book was priced at RM10, I would have finished it by now. To be more blunt, I would have finished it on the spot, given adequate time. It is not very thick; it is a novel. Its coverings are not lavish; mere thin paper protect its pages. How could all these amount to RM34.90?

If a middle-class-guy like me would think twice about its purchase, what about the rest?

I feel bad not being able to read the book, whose first chapter I have completed. I feel worse, however, when it is quite plain that the government launched Nilam without tackling this very elementary obstacle, namely book price. To read new and modern stories, we have to pay over RM30 for any average novel. And is it any wonder why Malaysians read so glaringly below the par, as compared to our foreign counterparts?

Bookmarks

2010-09-27T16:02:00.004+08:00

Uninstalled and reinstalled google chrome.

I have been using it for quite some time now. Bookmarks are scattered everywhere. When my favourite basketball page failed to load for a week, it was the final straw.

I forgot about the many bookmarks though.

Realised it halfway during installation, and wondered how am I supposed to have everything back. An empty chrome came up, naked without my previous theme, not a single familiar bookmark in place.

Was quite grumpy about it, until they all came back, thanks to syncing!

Say, if we are relying so much on internet bookmarks, and we, or at least me, got all moody when they are lost, how much more if we lose friends and people and their relationships...

Sidelines

2010-09-25T01:19:00.004+08:00

Watched the famous American programme, you know, the Idol one? Where all and sundry comes into the room and try to get the ticket. I know, I didn't want to mention its name in full, to avoid unnecessary traffic...

I think the main reason for the majority to try their luck there is the motivation to attain popularity? And it *is* a strong desire, so powerful, I even saw a 27-year-old worship pastor auditioning, and got the coveted ticket.

It seems, for some at least, this desire stays at home, like shadows they stick to you, for a very, very long time. Till it's long enough to become your personal definition.

Popularity is a very juicy fruit. Pleasant to the eye and sweet to the lips. I view it rather sceptically though. Without sacrifices on one's own part, popularity could be a rather high order to achieve. A popular person means he/she is well-liked by people, and when people, a lot of them, come into the picture, things become a lil bit more complex.

To be popular is to be liked. In that process of being liked, could there be compromises? My dad used to tell me that not everyone can like you, nor can you like everyone; I would think of it as a social impossibility. Sometimes, to gain popularity, I see people trying their best, their so very hard best, to do what's needed, or what they think is needed. Some would gain it in due course, perhaps because of a musical related talent, or sporting prowesses, or even just a pretty face... Some fail despite their gallant efforts. The more serious the popularity, so are the accompanied efforts in their severity.

Whatever the outcome, it seems clear that popularity, along with everything required to gain it, changes a person. Popularity dictates the norm, the trend, and whatnot, and demands those not in compliance to be benched on the sidelines, or even banished to the bleachers.

I used to heavily promote this blog. I put its link on every possible and impossible visible place, convenient for all to click and visit. I spoke to people, whether or not they are bloggers, and always rounded up the conversation with this blog.

I tried hard, and got partial success.

I would wish to say that it lasted; I still find it wonderful to have somebody's comment on a particular post. Quite the contrary, I found it difficult to sustain, and people's interests started going else where. After a barrage of 'emo' posts, I discovered that popularity, even in the blogging sense, is simply a fickle friend. Only a handful readers read now, and fewer comment still. I'm quite heartened and happy to welcome this blog's 29th follower though. (:

It gets worst when one defines one's own value through the popularity yardstick. If you are unpopular, it means something is wrong with you. Never mind if you could be right, because Popularity does not care. It is concerned with the 'like' factor, not its correctness. To have the majority on your side, succumb to its whims and demands, with a little more innovation.

Gah. Life would be so much easier if we could live like our true selves, and our true selves only, subject to refinement over mortal

years. It is a significant and substantial part of our lives when we begin to know ourselves, a

nd seek our own respective identities. To add popularity into this already very capricious cauldron brings up frowns. It means we sought after those most heavily worshiped, and want to be a part of them, while forgetting that we are the ultimate designs of God Himself, unique and beautiful, but suppressed by this despicable desire of the flesh.

On a brighter note, you have read this, and much good I hope it does to you. It is not a sin to want to be popular; quite the contrary, popularity serves many good purposes. It is the process of procuring it that matters, and its impact on ourselves.

We would need some help along the way, constant and loving help.

Blessed

2010-09-23T01:07:00.001+08:00

A great relieve for me to say this here: I no longer eat alone.

People need people around, even if that person is Mr. Niel, famous Jedi and all. I've been eating meals alone for months, and coupled with the process of looking and asking prospective meal-mates out, it's driving me crazy. I tend to think negatively when I'm alone and lonely. Bad vibes.

Now, I have two steady meal-mates, and one of them is a girl! Good to know the opposite sex does not resent my existence. Or at the very least, some of them.

It feels great living on the island again. Balancing time is, and always will, a tricky act.

I realised that I do not always blog about my college and course and lectures and whatnot. I think I'll do that more in the future... ATC would really need some advertising, hmm.

Oh, my followers currently are a 28-strong bunch. Thank you people. :)

Terbang kawanku.

2010-09-16T22:40:00.004+08:00

After thinking about the title, I decided to write first, title later.

I went to our island airport again. A little different this time, as I, till now, only go to the airport to leave the country. My purpose was normal enough though: to send a friend on his way.

We go a long way back, since primary we have been pals. We went to different high school, and for 5 years we rarely see each other. This guy is nice enough, so we don't have problems talking to each other every time we meet. A little joke here: I never knew he was from Arts until the day he departed to Japan..

I arrived late enough for him to spend adequate time with family. Within minutes he had to get on board. We took a quick one. My hair was funny.

After he left, I ate dinner at McD. Looking around, actually, the airport is pretty much a sentimental place, no? People departing and people arriving, quite the same with life. The sign 'Arrival/Departure' really did its part to invoke. McD was placed directly in front of the departure gateway too.

Maybe, because it is a place of goodbyes, its ambiance is very much soothing. The loudest tourist lowers his voice in the airport. Only once in a while will someone be seen rushing. Perhaps, because it is a place of welcome home, it glows in its own special way.

Goodbyes and welcome homes. What's to say, listen to Miss Spektor.

For Goodness

2010-09-14T00:35:00.004+08:00

I have always wanted to write about this, so here I am.

Today, let's talk about, erm, superiority complex. Wikipedia definition here.

Ever met a superior person, or a person with superiority complex? There lies a difference here.

I find too many people with the mentioned problem. Yes, it is a problem. Whether or not you are superior, trying to think otherwise is, I think, a more preferable way out.

We have brain-boxes, ie highly intelligent/talented people who walk around this planet. They really are smart people, able to catch on things faster than average speed and reinvent or refurbish ideas into totally fresh new stuff. Sometimes it seems that God spent a little more time on them, but that's another different topic altogether...

Actually, come to think of it, you do not have to be smart to suffer from superior complex, though it's easier if you are smart. A slightly-above-average person may suffer a more serious form of the, erm, mentality disease. The point is this: a superior complex person thinks he is superior, full stop.

Examples of this, erm, mentality disease is everywhere. When these people talk, they are usually quite aggressive, as opposed to being confident. They usually think they should have their way the way it should be. They shoot down, or dismiss ideas from other people they consider inferior. Personally, when I see these people in action, it is as if they cannot wait to showcase the quality and contents of their lives to other people. Heck, they cannot even write to inform; instead, they prefer to show you how much they have managed to jam their brain with the relevant information.

It is quite an unfortunate thing to have, superior complex. I suppose these people find it quite hard to mix around. Granted, people respect or look up to them, but it is different when people actually like you instead.

For Christians, the saying 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble' should not be taken lightly. Looking at Christ's testimony, that is, His entire life, He was not the high and mighty type. He was never bored or tired of explaining things to the common folk and the disciples. He washed the feet of His disciples, a final gesture of humility and grace. It is sad, thus, to find fellow brothers and sisters having a good time with superior complex. We miss the point of the Gospel and Its message when we fail to see past ourselves and our accomplishments.

It is rather difficult to cure this, erm, thing. Hard lessons help, I suppose. Lessons that drill into the heart and wake the mind to its current state.

Hopefully none of my readers detect such trait in me, and me them. We are much better off without this in the way of communicating with people, and in the process, to grow to love them.

1 Corinthians 10:24 : Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

Philippians 2:3-9 : Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant. being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-even death of a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,

Luke 9:48: ...For he who is least among you all-he is the greatest!

Describe the kind of girl boys like

2010-09-07T23:20:00.003+08:00

Describe the kind of girl boys like.

The question above is one of the all-time favourite question posed by people, mostly youngsters. This question usually appears when two persons from the opposite sex could not seem to get along with each other. For guys, girls are strange, long-haired creatures who can switch between moods capriciously. Yet, they seem to be extremely attractive and interesting to befriend.

There is a saying: a man’s meat is another’s poison. It is difficult to find a trait which would be accepted universally by all males. Different girls appeal differently to different guys, making the situation all the more exciting and confusing!

For me, I would place much emphasis on the character of a girl, namely her gentleness. If boys are rough, clumsy animals, girls are the opposite, being graceful and elegant in their own way. I find a girl who talks loudly and pushes her way around most unattractive. Instead, I will appreciate a conversation with a gentle and quiet girl. I find the world a more interesting place, knowing a gentle girl who sees and treats things gently. A gentle girl will also be more tactful and willing to understand than a noisy and bossy one.

Girls who know their manners and respect older people are also attractive. She will not only acknowledge them when she sees them, but also show her respect in her actions. An example will be a girl helping her parents with household chores. This factor is very important in our Eastern society and is considered as good behaviour on a youngster’s part. A girl who is always rude and does not respect elders is certainly a no-no for me. A respectful attitude in a girl becomes even more crucial if she meets with my parents!

In our competitive and ever-changing society, a person who is complacent and does not seek to improve will be left behind very soon. Similarly, a girl who is lazy will meet the same fate. Our society seems to create a lot of requirements for a girl to qualify as being a good one. For me, I am simply happy with a girl who always wants to improve herself and constantly adding to her knowledge. In order for this to happen, I think that she must love to read as well as think.

Another trait I will like in a girl will be her sense of responsibility. This value is always emphasized in males, but a responsible girl is, to me, rather attractive. An adolescent girl’s responsibilities would include her family, herself and school. As mentioned above, it is a norm for girls to help with household chores. As for herself, she must have an eager attitude to shoulder responsibility, not shunning away from it. It is, I think, a sign of maturity. As I am an active person, a girl who prefers to shun responsibilities and laze at home would not appeal much to me.

As a whole, a definite answer to this question is not possible to find. A man’s meat may be another’s poison. It is important for a person to, firstly, get to know him or herself before asking this question. Knowing oneself is already a difficult and long process; to understand another being takes a lifetime.

Before ya all go crazy, let me explain.

I wrote this essay for someone I am currently tutoring. Big exam's in two months, needs to improve writing, you get the idea.

If anyone bothered to read it(or was cheated to read, sorry), I must say: what a struggle! Language is indeed very much part of oneself, difficult to morph into alien shapes.

Enough said. My ink's run dry.

Dad

2010-09-06T00:59:00.003+08:00

Just helped Dad to create his blog. Anyone has had this experience before?

Of course it would not be anything like those canggih blogs we've seen; he's simply too busy to hog at the computer for long, and age has a part to play too.

He wants me to help him to promote. Again, any ideas on how to do just that? I've promoted mine, with little success, I guess... but Dad's blog? Tough job, I would say.

Oh no. Does that mean I have actually helped my dad to spy on my blog? I usually write very good emo stuffs! Shame.

No no NO

2010-09-05T11:37:00.005+08:00

What a hangover. Worst ever.

Headache and after failing to, finally managed to bring it all out into the toilet bowl. Got slightly better, and thankfully, fell asleep. Missed church in the morning, sigh.

It wasn't like this the last time. It's an open secret I am no drinker, so only a little is required to take me down. The last time, it was barely a bottle of 5%. It was slightly pleasant, some hiccups and a peaceful, dreamless night of sleep, even managed to wake up early.

This time, not so peaceful. Interrupted sleep by throbbing pains to the head. Nauseous feeling in the throat.

Quality of the liquid, maybe?

miss those quiet, sweet reading moments.

2010-09-03T01:43:00.002+08:00

I have been reading a lot. This is not a show-off, but rather a... moan? It seems to me that there are many things I *must* read, now. Gone are those days when I could just simply look among my parents' teaching materials and pick up an interesting book and read.

Some books never actually die; they reside in my head. Those are the great stories, put forward with great skill and of course, great feelings in the plot. They linger, surfacing to memory only in the most exceptional circumstances, but they are always there.

Me blogging right now is one of such circumstance.

I don't remember how and where and who I got the book from, vaguely recall cousin sister. What I remember is this: I did not finish this book in one or two days. I did not sit in my room, or one place, and finish a good three or four chapters.

In fact, I finished the book in China, on a family trip. I read it when the rest were deeply asleep(especially my parents, walking is just too common there for them), I read it during the long train journey to Shanghai, and also at different airports. I remember being shocked reading the part when Hassan was sodomised, and it was at one certain airport.

I'll just agree with the vast reviews; great story, great skill and great feelings.

Reading this book was a different feeling, something reminiscent, soul-stirring and at times, sad and heavy. Quite different from what I have had felt at that point. It felt nice reading while the rest were asleep, until Dad asked me to get some rest.

The feeling's still there, in store with my memories of the Beijing trip. It feels quite far, quite distant now. It seems that no other materials that I am reading now will be able to resurrect that feeling. I'm enjoying what I have to read now, but somehow, there ain't no Kite-feeling.

I end this post with a longing desire, wondering when will this particular feeling wash over me once again. Yet I also sigh at the days long gone, and how one cannot feel what he felt, because he's changed.

Update

2010-09-01T00:16:00.005+08:00

If it's not for the mention, I would probably update this much later on.

I am getting used to solving things quickly and then, forgetting to put them out here. A good or bad thing, I don't know.

More and more responsibilities are thrust upon me now. I have been anticipating some of them, while the rest are unexpected and inevitable. It is not uncommon for me to sign up for something without knowing its requirements, or its difficulty, and then grit my teeth and get on with it. Sometimes I succeeded; other times, not so lucky.

Another thing to note is the increasing comments people make regarding my face. They say I look old. This guy gave one example- if he were to stop on the street and asked me for directions, I would strike him as somebody with a family, kids, namely. Another 22-year-old took me as being the same age as him, while I put him at a younger age.

Is it their mistake, or mine? Perhaps it is merely a joke. What I wonder about is the basis for it. I shave more often now(seeing as facial hair is not very popular in my current circle) . My hair still looks weird on the right side, kinda like Wolverine's. What's wrong, really? Or is it my eyes?

I suppose our thoughts can change our appearance. Just look at Einstein and you get the picture: the guy knows about relativity and stuff, but has had no time to upkeep. Hey I think he looks cool; but I do wonder how he looks like when he was 19... ha ha ha.

The season is very much here. By season, I mean the couple one. It's ubiquitous, in forms of hands-holding and much public snogging. Sometimes, things can get quite embarrassing when one of them is your friend, or both are. Sigh. To talk about this requires more than this meager paragraph, and my ideas are usually quite... radical? At least most do not subscribe or agree with me. Decoupling sounds rather sad and useless now.

So random. I wish I have my camera now. Selamat Merdeka everyone. :)

Blessings and Curses

2010-08-16T13:52:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I think that life itself is a blessing. It is the people living it that bring curses upon it.

We all have our own principles. If they are good and produce goodness, they are called that way, principles. If they are bad and produce badness, they are called excuses or justifications of a lame act.

I am hearing more and more people saying that principles are not absolutes, and that they depend on each character and situation. There should be more leeway, they would say, to accommodate and tolerate. Principles, if held on too steadfastly, result in a deadlock which no one can get out from.

They would also deny and argue the validity of one's principles, usually requiring a definition, which would not be good enough for them anyway. They would go on to say that different people see different things differently, and principles may or may not worth a lot to them. I assume the conclusion would mean to be a more flexible person.

I am always left bewildered by this, no matter how many times they tell me. Where, and how, is one to draw the line of distinction between being flexible with principles and compromising them? It seems to me a very thin line. Who would be the judge to decide this penumbra?

Do we feel better, when, after we compare ourselves to a more inferior standard of behaviour, and then pat ourselves on the back? Do we gain more confidence in this, bold in the knowledge that we are superior to the ones we just compared?

There is no strict set of principles. It seems to me to be of extreme importance the utterer of this statement. One could be pointing out a crucial lesson of life, while the other could use it to justify and compromise. One could be saying this and putting emphasis on the need to have the courage to uphold one's principles, while the other could say it in the context of 'laws are made to be broken' .

Sometimes, I think that life itself is a blessing. It is the people living it that bring curses upon it.

Update

2010-08-11T00:13:00.003+08:00

Once again, fellow readers. I am happy to have you read this, especially it is the time of the hungry ghosts, this month.

It is quite certain that nobody can be liked by everybody all the time. Off and on, you will dislike someone and someone will dislike you. What must be done, however, is to avoid direct conflict and just smile as life passes.

I have never been a teacher's favourite student. Granted, my results are not totally bad. Nevertheless, as my dear old cikgu put it, 'Danial bukan budak jahat, tapi rupa dia tak macam budak baik!'

In short, my student life has always been in the intermediate. No more, no less.

At this point of my life, I want to change for the better. The way I see it, being a teacher's favourite is quite beneficial, now that we are in college and all. Many of the perks and privileges enjoyed by favourites are not readily available to non-favourites. And to be a favourite, it takes more than mere stellar academic performance.

It takes a personal relationship, preferably one out of the classroom.

I bear no grudge. I know what I must do, and top of the list is to work harder, namely start reading. I want my educators, both past and present, to be proud of me.

Ain't that what we all want from our old teachers?

Update

2010-08-10T13:52:00.001+08:00

Shit happens.

Sometimes, even good things can churn out, or cause, bad things and emotions. With this realisation, anything can be put out swiftly with one strike.

Nobody said life was easy.

Update

2010-08-07T00:43:00.001+08:00

It's been a while readers. I have been busy.

I won't be able to update as much from now on. College held a mooting competition and though I bowed in the first round, I realised that there is a lot to do, and time for online would have to be reduced drastically.

Plus, I have facebook free on the phone, so the laptop is no longer necessary.

Not that I have a lot of readers. Good day to ya all.

Best Damn Thing

2010-07-27T00:37:00.004+08:00

There is a saying, that we should be steady, and let things go the way they should go, even if they are extremely dear to us, just because it's time.

It took me the final blow to realise. There is simply no point in holding onto, or holding out for, someone who is not worth it. It does not mean that we judge and put a value tag on everybody we know; it merely means that we guard our hearts well and disallow any hurt upon it. A heart can only take so much.

I want my life back. The previous Niel. He's lost for now, somewhere out there. I am, and will, get him back. It's time for me to take myself and settle it firmly in place.

Privately, I find this world rather distasteful. It used to be fashionable to shower goodness on everybody, it used to be done without anybody highlighting it. Now that it is disappearing, they are screaming for 'one random act at a time' . I want to be nice and good to everybody, honest. However not everyone takes or looks at it that way. It is on me to be wise and careful. Guard my heart.

One day, I'm gonna look myself in the mirror, and thank God for being the best damn thing!

Update

2010-07-21T00:55:00.003+08:00

I arrived earlier in Penang today. It is not that I dislike staying at home, but at home, there is not much to do for myself, but tons to do for and with my family. I think I'm pretty selfish having this thought, especially after there is much need in the family I can help and fill in. Conflicting desires with a schedule to follow.

Watched 'Inception', great movie. The greatest part, the part that touched me, was when Cobb recognised and acknowledged the complexity of a human being. I think that provides a solid answer to all those technologies outside there attempting to make human practically God. Makes me marvel at the wonder of the breath from and of God, straight into Adam.

Oh, and my helmet got stolen. Would opt for the shades next trip, one helmet costs a little fortune.

All Grown Up

2010-07-18T22:02:00.003+08:00

Seeing things objectively, I see that most of my friends are all grown up now. I suppose that goes for me as well.

Physically, it is easy to see the difference. The girls look really good with their long hair and heels, and the guys wear long pants now. Some of them have put on a watch. I think I stand out amidst these changes though. Hey I'm the only one with beard and mustache at my disposal. If my height is slightly improved I would look just fine. Not complaining though.

Orang Muda

2010-07-15T21:09:00.002+08:00

Adakah matlamat golongan mahasiswa zaman ini sejajar dengan peranan yang diamanahkan oleh masyarakat umum kepada barisan pelapis kepimpinan negara ini? Sedarkah mahasiswa bahawa mereka juga sebahagian dari masyarakat sivil dan bukan hanya terperangkap dalam kerangka kampus? :

http://loyarburok.com/human-rights/stupid-me/mempersoalkan-mahasiswa/

Link di atas menjadi syoran saya kepada kawan kawan yang masih belajar.

Mahasiswa mahasiswi hari ini memang satu kelompok yang menyakitkan hati. Mereka langsung, atau hanya sedikit, tidak mengambil peduli apa yang berlaku dalam Negara Malaysia ini. Yang dipentingkan hanya ijazah diri, bakal prospek kerja yang menanti apabila tamat pengajian nanti. Jarang bertemu seorang susuk muda yang mempunyai buah fikiran tentang arahan dan masa depan negara. Malah, disuruhkan menamakan PM kita pun diberi nama bekas PM. Hal ini melambangkan kesempitan dan kepancingan fikiran generasi muda yang sepatutnya mempunyai fikiran bernas dan bersedia mengambil alih pucuk pimpinan negara nanti!

Kemajuan dalam teknologi Internet tidak diambil kesempatan apabila generasi muda malas nak melayari laman news portal yang disediakan percuma. Biarpun jaraknya satu klik jejari, namun amatlah kurang jarak tersebut diseberangi.

Ditanya mengapa ini boleh terjadi, pelbagai-bagai alasan diberikan. Antara yang popular ialah kurangnya minat. Alasan ini memberi gambaran betapa seriusnya masalah ini berakar dalam fikiran mahasiswa mahasiswi kita. Apakah mereka sudah bersedia hijrah ke luar negara selepas tamat pengajian?

Hal ini lebih serius dalam masyarakat bukan-Melayu, terutamanya kaum saya sendiri. Bangsa Cina sememangnya terkenal dengan pemikiran materialistik dan realistik. Berita-berita negara dianggap membuang masa dan tenaga. Keadaan ini menjadi agak terlampau sehingga ada mahasiswa dan mahasiswi yang pertama kali dalam hidup mereka *terdengar* nama Parliament dalam universiti.

Para graduan harus sedar bahawa di Malaysia kita ini, pelajar sememangnya tidak didorong mahupun digalak untuk mengambil tahu isu-isu semasa negara. Oleh itu, initiatif harus diambil sendiri untuk mengenali isu-isu tersebut ini supaya diri tidak menjadi katak bawah tempurung.

Saya sokong penuh artikel di atas, dan berharap kesedaran akan menjelang dalam kalangan pelajar-pelajar kita dalam masa yang terdekat.

Wrong

2010-07-15T02:44:00.002+08:00

I have been wrong.

I led myself into this.

Confusing me, this life really is. Who are my friends? They change within a second. I wonder if the fault is upon me, this hard creature, 'a wild thing never sorry for itself' .

I'm not a lonely person. I would like to have friends. At the same time I like my peace. The balance is tilting to a far side at this point.

Gratitude Mr. Teoh, gratitude. As Yoda says, 'jealousy, the shadow of greed, that is,' .

Privileges showered upon, with the least of blemishes, yet this raging post, of bitterness and self-pity, shows its face. This should not be the case, or it is an insult to divine blessing from above, and to the individual on this earth.

Let's all end this cycle with a song. Lyrics provided to show the distinction from the religion, which the title is often associated.

Nightmare

2010-07-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

I haven't had nightmares in a while. But I dreamed about one last night. It scared me, during the dream and after the ordeal. In a long while there has had no such feeling.

Today is the entry date for the new intake. I know this. I also missed her birthday, that is, not wishing.

All the ingredients are ready to cook a terrible meal.

I was driving on the highway. My favourite CD was playing. It's the only reason why I enjoy driving at all. I did not know my location, the landscape was strange to me. That didn't matter, until a blue Myvi came up in the mirror. I saw her.

She was happy, judging from her visage. Lips movement suggest that she was singing to a song in her car. It was a happy picture, all of it. It had a cartoon-like quality to it. Imagine a car driven by a happy driver, with little puffs of smoke, pretty like in a cartoon show.

A happy and contented picture. One that has nothing to do with me, whether inside or outside the picture. To me, it was a bright, yet dark, happy picture.

I cannot continue any more. It is as ridiculous to the reader as to me that a cartoonly-happy picture would constitute a nightmare. But this was what happened. There are many reasons for its scare factor. To see that face, even in a dream-like state, elicits contradictory and complicated feelings within. To see it happy is escalation.

This had better be solved. It might be wrong, very wrong indeed, on my part. Things must be put to order. The past should be forgiven, and if possible, forgotten. I would not want another dream like this again, ever; my own reaction freaks me out..

Update

2010-07-12T03:28:00.002+08:00

Quite a lot to write, as usual, but too lazy.

I'm trying to plan a schedule here. To make myself more disciplined and better at managing time. Easier said than done, really. I have not had much luck so far.

I'm also watching the WC Final now. Which means that I'll sleep late. Which means I'll wake up late and feeling totally crap. Which means the schedule's still a schedule.

Today I learnt that kindness and goodness should be free, but not cheap. I find the world a sad and pathetic place, where good virtues cannot flow too freely, or they be regarded as having no value. Wisdom guides them both, and they should not run ahead of wisdom.

Speaker's Square, Penang. 2

2010-06-28T14:40:00.000+08:00

http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/135744

I certainly did not expect this to be given full coverage!

Speaker's Square, Penang.

2010-06-27T21:05:00.006+08:00

I went with college mates to this place, one and only in Penang, could be Malaysia as well.

When someone mentioned going, I was quite excited already. Going to a place like Speaker's Square seems out of place here in Malaysia, but it is a good thing to be able to say and do that, here in Penang. Besides, you never know what kind of speakers you will get.

Upon arriving there, I spotted my Gerakan friend among his comrades. They spotted us too, and before long, we were engaged and the awkwardness with the place disappeared. The weather was gloomy and it was drizzling, but more and more people came and gathered. The Gerakan group seemed poised to talk. I joked that it would take a really passionate person to exercise his right to freedom of speech with this weather around.

Although we weren't a big group, but it was fun listening to the people talk. The responses from the crowd were funny, and at times, rude, but it all made up the atmosphere.

Want to bomb also got limit 1.

1st person to talk.

My friend, Mr. Dalbinder Singh.

Devoted reporters and journalists, snapping and jotting down notes.

Spot the mat salleh ah pek??

The chatting was here and there.

One passionate uncle took the front page of a Chinese daily and pointed the words out, loudly. Together with his gang, they were rather rowdy, generous with their Hokkien and vulgar words.

To an esoteric, he or she would have spotted a familiar, but forgotten face, here.

I had fun and some real insight. Regardless of our political affiliations, school of thoughts and issues raised, I think the general opinion is that Malaysians are not up to that kind of standard of maturity just yet. Perhaps that explains the absence of the jury in our legal system? To have your immature peers to decide your verdict, be it civil or criminal, would be a nightmare. You might be sentenced to prison or death because they didn't like your face.

The reason for this may vary, but the fact remains. I would think that education is seriously lacking here.

We raise an issue and shout and scream about it, but more than often, we do not understand that issue. Correction then comes from another person or party and, in their attempts to clear the air, created either more confusions or emotions to eventually lead to unwarranted clashes.

Most people just want to talk, or they want to hear want they want to hear. No one is listening properly, and almost certainly, no one has bothered to research an issue thoroughly enough, and any correction or rebuke is met with negative responses.

This is to the esoteric: Mak Minah there, in the picture, was present. She and her hubby suggested that the place, Speaker's Square, be scrapped since no EXCOs visit the place regularly.

I think the establishment of such a place is already a baby step in raising the maturity and awareness of Malaysians. As a youngster, it is relatively a better past time than your usual routine of online gaming and whatnot. To scrap the place is to be back at square one.

There were also claims saying that the place is merely a political agenda of politicians. Despite its triteness, people still do not seem to grasp the saying that politicians are politicians, and the ultimate goal of any politicians is to gain power. I doubt the existence of a 'kind and fatherly politician' . They will have their own agendas, because that's what they do. However, we as the people could control and subject them to responsibility and accountability, through our identity as voters. So, to me, *even* if the Speaker's Square is part of any political agenda, there is nothing wrong with it. The people want it, the people like it. And politicians usually do what the people want and like to gain support. So we ended up with a place where we can talk freely and exchange ideas and speak in the public because politicians build it, in their quest for power. Is it a bad thing? I doubt so. The voters are only fulfilling their function, and their function is to make them politicians *work* for power.

I'm already thinking of going for the second time.

Objectively Tired

2010-06-25T20:27:00.005+08:00

在你身后

感觉就像一条透明的抛物线

当它下遂

再美的童话也会失去感觉

It's not about the lyrics up there, it's about the mood of the song. Tired, disappointed, and tired.

When the eyes see without looking. When the legs walk without knowing where to go. When the heart beats for nobody.

It's just that, being the objective one is really not easy at all, not one bit. I am tired. Tired of having to decipher things and show to those who may be concerned. Tired of seeing things and ultimately, disappointed when you're not there to share it with.

It seems so silly, having to toe the line of life. This rings true especially when a life of desire and passion is the main theme. How long could one go against this tide? It does not matter; weariness eventually sets in and that's it. Giving up sounds great at that point.

All of it is so frustrating. I don't know what to believe anymore. Or who. Nothing seems to be right. Everything seems to be fine running on their own. I want to follow myself. My tempo. My mood. My everything. Can I? I really want to, I feel it strongly so.

I'm just tired of having to be the objective one. I'm just sick of being the one who tolerates and gives way. I'm just weary, no strength left in my legs to follow your steps. I'm just freaking exhausted of having to be alone in facing everything; no one to identify, no one to empathise, no one to be there for me.

As the days go by, the weariness grows stronger. Of course it grows. How could it not, when the fruits of endurance is distasteful and totally not what what I want? I am not rewarded for this by anything or anyone. If divine reward exist, it has eluded me. I find no reconciliation, no comfort, only a growing number of battles to be fought by myself. My armour is rusty, my sword blunt, and my limbs are reluctant. The heart screams to yield.

People and people, there is no God, nor fear of Him. I feel so tired, I feel like not caring anymore, because the one who always seems to be at the receiving end of pain and hurt, is those who care. Me.

Update!!!

2010-06-23T00:03:00.002+08:00

A quick update upon midnight, or I am going to lose readers.

Academic break is over. I got quite a lot from this break, refreshing the mind and putting things on track. I even got to meet friends and had a sleepover. Not bad la, for a 11-day break.

Some my books have also arrived. Time to start the engine, for real! And wow, was I glad to find out that beginning at this time of the year is considered early for my course. I was worried sick that students here are lagging so much behind... =x

There is really so much to read. The sight of the entire box of materials would be a very daunting sight indeed, though I got half of it for now. Getting into the online portal of the University, I found more! Pages and pages and words and words. Jovially: is this the consequence of me totally rejecting mathematics?

In terms of putting things back on track: some of my ideas have been wrong, and their application brought disastrous results. I regret that there must be experiment rats. My focus had been off as well.

Personally, I feel that God, being the Creator and source of life, should be the focus of Man's attention throughout his life. Without that focus, or the focus shifts to something else, usually one's life would be a total mess. I am only pointing to the extreme example; there are many who could live without Him, or so they think. The damage is still there, however.

What's catastrophic is when family ties are damaged. The parents die as very bitter persons, but their children... that's the real damage. The pain inflicted by ungodly parents, the lack of love, and broken examples around us surface. It's like that all around the world; cultures only serve different results of and from the same damage.

God's heart is broken over those with such backgrounds.

Untitled

2010-06-15T15:24:00.004+08:00

Just got back from church camp in Taiping, and am currently in academic break till 22th.

The weather there was a lot like Forks. That being cold, wet and without sunlight. Got me feeling wrapped and forlorn.

Life here in this small town is really, erm, slow and peaceful. Kinda like Lisa Loeb's 'I Wish' . Not altogether a bad thing, but things can get stagnant after a while.

I find that it is not easy to utilise a given holiday. Some cannot make it. Some places, due to unforeseen circumstances, are not available or out-of-limits. For someone who loves to travel with friends, me, I find this rather hampering. Financial constraint is another limitation to this hobby.

In a small town, people usually waste their holidays. The best way to do it is squandering ourselves. Some places seem too far, or too adventurous. Petty household stuff may get in the way. Simply put forward, an outing seems a troublesome plan involving people and their schedules and whatnot.

Lying on your bed watching the clock tick time away is, relatively, an easier and cheaper method.

That's how a small town is. Not enough people for the already sparse programmes.

English Dilemma In Malaysia

2010-06-09T23:32:00.003+08:00

Title may sound big or very intellectual, but that's not what I am and want to achieve in this post. This post is more like an observation, nothing more.

Ok, so English is big in Malaysia, at least more so among non-Malays, and this is when they themselves do not speak this language on a daily basis, or do not posses the fluency of it. Never mind those factors, English *is* big in Malaysia. Trying telling a Chinese person, notably from Penang, or Indian fella, that his English sucks, and you get the picture.

The reasons for it being *big* in Malaysia differ accordingly, each to his own taste.

What I do not understand is why someone who could not speak the language very well, or do not know its culture, would set an English language song, mostly loud and blaring, as his ring tone. What I see is this: there is a discrepancy between selecting English-based products. Mostly, most people settle for pop and hip hop and R&B English songs, if they may be called that. On the other hand, good English values are not given a damn.

It is not a strange sight in this country to hear a loud ring tone in the type songs mentioned above, and to see the recipient answer the call and converse in dialect. I don't know if it is perverse, but I always have this strong urge to ask if he understands his ring tone.

Another funny observation of mine is this. Whenever people want to portray themselves as being cool and rock, they turn the volume in their car up high, and what's the song blaring? It is rather typical. Again, the strong urge throbs. Just one simple question: do you understand the song?

Could it be that there are no good Mandarin songs available that can put a person in the cool and rock light?

If the desperation is so overwhelming, play a tune with catchy and heavy bass lar. No need people to sing one, just let it 'thump thump thump' and you will be quite cool already ma.

English is the way to go, says Johor Ruler's consort

KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysia is moving in the opposite direction compared with countries such as China and Indonesia that are fast catching up on becoming more proficient in the English language, said Raja Zarith Sofiah Almarhum Sultan Idris Shah (pic).

She spoke about the many youths who could not speak or write well in English.

“They are reluctant to participate in international conferences because they have no confidence in speaking up and writing reports in English,” said the Johor Ruler Sultan Ibrahim’s consort.

Delivering a royal lecture at the 19th Malaysian English Language Teaching Association (Melta) International Conference on Monday, Raja Zarith, who is the patron of Melta, said: “One way to boost students’ confidence in speaking in English is by asking them to do presentations regularly in front of the class.”

She also said that English could be used to communicate the message that Islam was a religion of peace.

“Post-9/11, there have been stereotypes and misconceptions about Muslims and Islam. With good English, we can tell the world that Malaysian Muslims do not prescribe to the doctrine of terrorism.”

Raja Zarith also paid tribute to the teachers for their efforts in moulding young minds and contributing to the country’s development.

“Nevertheless, education is always dynamic. Teachers need to be aware of the latest happenings in order to keep up with the students nowadays,” she added.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/6/9/nation/6421373&sec=nation

Spat

2010-06-05T00:24:00.003+08:00

We meet friends as life progresses. Friends at work, friends in-game, friends everywhere. Some enjoy the immense popularity. I quite enjoy it actually, it is such a nice thing to bump into familiar faces.

But the question is this: how many of these so-called friends bear the true meaning of the word 'friend' ?

I had a recent spat. We do many stuffs together and although our ideas and values differ in many ways, I still appreciate his companionship. With all the many couples running all around the place some more. You know what I mean.

Yet we had this spat. I suppose the main reason was the principle of one man's meat is another man's poison. He got really upset over that particular subject matter, when it did not really matter to me.

Nevertheless, I was quite hurt by his reaction. I did not expect it to be that intense and emotional. Heavy subject matter or not, surely friendship would contain such an outburst. Conscience stipulates that I have been very generous to this guy. I just think that people should try to contain, especially to somebody nice like me?

Is it true that there are people who do not appreciate others? Can be it true that all efforts at being a friend will eventually go to waste? Could there be such a being? If yes, have I met one now?

I believe in being friends and helping them. It may take some time for some people, but the ice shall melt in the end, I hope.

That is why I still tag this post under 'Friends' .

Packed

2010-05-31T00:44:00.004+08:00

Hello everybody.

I had a packed week. Everyone's getting nervous over the mock exams, due in a week's time. There is so much to read! Judgments and principles and whatnot. Interesting and fun at times, but can be disastrous too, if allowed to pile sky-high. But I am not complaining. A packed week beats an empty and emo one any given time.

Got my Tee from LoyarBurok! Aww it is so gorgeous. I like the way they turn serious law into common humour. It makes people feel comfortable and light-and-easy. Just love it! All the way from KL too.

Mummy: very nice picture. Cloth also good quality 1.

Makes me look young!

Wore it the whole day, today. =P

I went to the Sony shop after deciding to go for Sony over Ipod. Unfortunately they were all sold out. No stock. I went home and looked at Portable Audio at Sony dot com, and I found they have some seriously good devices. Some a little over than RM599, but oh, they look so... good. Budget might need to be adjusted.

Another thing to note is my time spent on and with the laptop. Really need to control myself.

To readers of this post, life may seem sad or bad or just plain shit at times, but trust in good. What makes us human is the potential to do good, and to a further stage, greater good.

Audio

2010-05-28T02:18:00.002+08:00

Currently thinking about which one to buy:

http://store.apple.com/my/browse/home/shop_ipod/family/ipod_nano- The famous Ipod Nano

http://www.sony.com.my/productcategory/pa-mp3-walkman- The brand that has been around.

I think the competition is quite keen. I've been to both shops, tested both products, and now here I am weighing the two of them. Oh, and they share the same price of RM599.

Before buying, there must be a need. I cannot help but doubt my need for this gadget at this first stage. Do I really need this? A better way to put this is through the words of my dad: 600 Ringgit just to listen to music? Good point, I've thought about it. But my preferred RM200-RM400 budget will only afford a screen-less player and to think deeper, if I get one of those, I would probably regret later on. And seriously, what's a modern player without a screen? Have to go through one song by one song to get to the desired track, that's really buruk.

What created this need? 30% would be me waking up in the morning and suddenly deciding that a MP3 Player beside my bed will really look good. Another 70% is my W810i baby, now four years old, is no longer sensitive to her 2-point earphones. On a good day it would take me 3 minutes to enjoy the quality it is capable of. To enjoy that, a variety of finger movements, a little bit like massaging maneuvers is needed. I am sometimes spotted using the Jentik technique to connect the two friends together, but after succeeding, failure comes quickly. In short, when you are old, you lose your touch.

I am also thinking of using cheaper cell phones but owning a nice MP3 player instead. That quit settle the score isn't it?

The Apple store did not have the blue Ipod Nano when I went there, cash-ready. I was asked to check in next week. Two days later, after talking to friends, I checked out the Sony shop.

Right now, if I am cleared to buy, my choice would be the Sony player. It comes with a mini speaker, and people who know me, know that I love to share music with people. The quality is not that far-off with the Ipod Nano. Another thing that sets the Sony player apart is the absence of complexity when transferring songs. Ipod Nano uses iTunes to sync its playlist, and I rarely use iTunes. Sony players use the drag and drop method, which is easier.

The downside regarding Miss Sony is, however, its life expectancy. Friends around said that it is relatively short-lived, with the battery descending into total noob-ness within a year or two depending on maintenance. I do not know the authenticity of this claim just yet, but it is quite bothersome.

Anyhow, the ball is back to my parents now. I have been spending lately, and it is not very nice. Conscience forbids it. If I want to buy something, I want to buy it in peace on both sides. No pressure, no sour faces.

But the Sony player really looked so sleek and owh....

But we look at the good old days and sigh.

2010-05-25T01:10:00.006+08:00

Life is pretty upbeat for me right now. Late nights though, do allow some rue to seep in through the cracks.

For those who save their correspondence, have you ever pull out and read old MSN conversations?

It is quite fun actually, you get to see some progress from the past to the present. Some of them are so large the computer puts them in logs. If you have never brought your laptop or pc for a format, it is even better. All files intact.

Another thing about reading them is the date. It is not exactly the date of friendship. I view it as how long it is from the present, the longer the more nostalgic. At times it is simply incredible to just look at the date! How much time has passed!

Reading them open my eyes to the changes that have happened steadily and silently, in relation to the present. Mostly, I read the conversation logs of friends who are no longer the same now, and the past is thought of again and again. Some may no longer be on speaking terms, some estranged or simply gone to somewhere else. There is a lot of value in them.

Comparison is made. I think of the changes, and how we both never noticed it. Sometimes it is for the better, meaning we became closer friends. Sometimes our destinies decide to part ways, and our friendship couldn't sustain it. Regardless of any changes, I feel glad to see them signing in and staying online. It tells me that they are safe, may be happy. Life is still going on, while the life in those logs are forgotten.

Some of the conversations can really make me smile or laugh. They range from seriously good jokes to dirty amusement. Sometimes, it elicited from me a strong urge to reconnect with that person again, whenever possible. Always a pleasure to be able to accomplish that, but still, the difference is there, staring and glaring.

All the more reason to stay optimistic and bright, for the days are numbered. Our days are numbered. We would never want regret to be in those days, don't we? =]

Choice

2010-05-23T00:26:00.003+08:00

'Part of growing up is making your own decisions, and *living* the consequences. '

One of the many inspirational quotes from Coach Carter, this time to his own son.

We would have made many choices by now, what with the growing up and all. The choices we made last year are putting us into the exam fever right now. The choices we make affect us with varying degrees of impact, and it is only us to bear the heaviest onus of the many effects that follow up.

Many like to scream and moan about things in society. It is acknowledged widely that change is imperative. Unfortunately, that is also a decision, and a heavy one with a heavy price to pay. This may be the very reason not many will step up to pay that price, and ultimately, nothing gets done.

On a smaller stage, I have begin to realise and to see how the choices I make now, affect me later on. A decision will either make or break myself. On this notion, I see no reason to waste life. I want to make good choices, and I want to benefit from them. In other words, be proactive in selecting the good.

I still could not figure out the main reason why I still blog, but I am guessing that I continue because I quite enjoy blogging.

For now, I decide to sleep early so as not to be groggy for church tomorrow.

Update

2010-05-22T00:26:00.002+08:00

Wotcha. So easy to just leave this place empty.

Life's going pretty smooth right now. Looking for more and more places and people to fill up time.

Thought about conscience. Think it is most important that we do nothing to make it scowl at us. We all know when it does, and it feels uneasy. God created conscience, but the Evil One would love to numb it once and for all.

Attended 2 prayer sessions. Different from my usual worship forms, but change is good as it is constant. It's good to see people worship and praise God, actually it is cool.

Mock exams coming up soon. Good to have it around, or I will think I am on holiday.

Good life. The heart of life is always good.

Moving On

2010-05-13T23:26:00.004+08:00

Just another day on the island.

Today I see for myself the difference the heart can bring. The mind controls the heart, but the heart tears and pulls at the fetters. The mind has to be stronger.

Badminton Reflection

2010-05-13T01:14:00.002+08:00

I never had much enthusiasm for the sport. It is a social event to me, and I play hard during those events. After that, nothing else. The only Cup I know is Thomas Cup; I didn't even know there was a Uber Cup until this year.

Unfortunately, it is the sport in which Malaysia excels the most.

Whatever my disregards, it is always nice to have something for Malaysians close at home to cheer about, or to see our guys on the TV screen in action, something positive rather than all those bad publicity about our nation.

Badminton is something that most Malaysians care about, because we know that we are good at it. We have world-class quality. I was looking for a seat in a packed restaurant, and the game was on, live. I stood and finally sat down to watch the match till the end (Wong C H lost =x). I was not alone in doing this. Many stopped and watched for an average of a minute. Interesting and fascinating is it not, people caring for the sport, even when it's Malaysian? That's a wonder in Malaysia, I think. Fewer people will stop at a newsstand to read.

Today is May 13. Big black dot.

We have Malaysians wanting to remind or notify people about this event. I don't know about their objectives, but surely this is unnecessary. A rally on top of that will certainly bring about totally unwarranted emotions.

I feel bad. What I see in TV is a stadium full of Malaysians, tarak kira your bangsa, cheering our team on. They have banners and drums and exotic dresses. Some put on paints and other Malaysian-styled items. They follow the players' attacks and defends with their voice. Nobody is looking at the person's skin. Each point gives the crowd something to shout about, while each mistake elicits a groan. His or her skill was of the greatest importance. Not one person among the crowd stood to object the representation of Malaysia by a sepet mata, or a prince of soil, or a thambi. Every Malaysian unite against the opposing player.

Now, we have people wanting to remember May 13, for the wrong purpose. I suppose the Cup's games will be delayed or even cancelled, if there is another eruption. Malaysians will revert back to looking at skins. There will be no cheering or groaning. Badminton becomes second fiddle.

Know the May 13 history, and avoid it. We should all be opposing the common enemy, together. There is no benefit in infighting, but every disadvantage to it.

We were all meant to shine, like children do. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Away with the May 13 fear. Welcome, light of the future.

To Those Who May Be Concerned

2010-05-11T21:04:00.003+08:00

There are some readers of this blog who went to my mother to ask about my relationship status. I really had a laugh. What's funny is that I still have readers, yes, and that my posts are really emo and misleading and all those things.

Thanks guys, those who still read for one purpose or another. I appreciate your visits and the questions; people caring for people is what that is missing in this world. And for the record, I am still single. Availability is still debatable.

Starting from this post, I will try to live my life. I have not been doing that, due to some delays and stops at various points. Life is meant to be lived, and only then the chance to live life abundantly is given a shot. I will make the demarcations between various areas in life distinct, more logical, to live life better. It doesn't make any sense to be moping around with life.

Hey maybe my blog posts will improve as a result, brighter and livelier. I know some readers who are no longer readers due to the style of my writing and the things I write about, emotive stuff and etc. I blog to let out some of the things inside.

Time for a change.

Thanks to those kepoh people who made the inquire above. =D

Update

2010-05-10T14:49:00.002+08:00

I cannot say what I am feeling now. Sounds sappy and 'lembik', but...

A week is gone, and I'm still here counting. Business is a hard foe to rival. Give up totally?

I wouldn't know what to say, if you come back.

Life is fine, life goes on, and life is happy.

2010-05-07T21:29:00.005+08:00

It all hit me when I allowed entrance, and together with it, weakness.

I had swore to myself, that I will keep up the front, that I will not be the weak one, that I will not be hurt if you're not. I did not expect happiness to emanate.

For once today, I really paid attention to the song playing, and its lyrics.

I want to feel angry. Let the rage pulse through and burn, incense myself, or something. I want to demand explanation, a voluntary one if it is possible. Yet I know, they are not the passage to your heart. I had never been in that passage, and I am not getting directions now.

I took a deep breath.

Maybe I did not read the signs. Heaven knows, God might have dropped a few hints, but I didn't notice. I did not read into the lines, nor did I thought that I needed to. I thought openness and honesty were virtues of our correspondence; I look stupid now. A heavier dosage was needed to make me realise, and your saying that you're happy and life is fine certainly hit its target. We did not talk, no, that was between you and him. I would rather you not telling me now. You did not seem to be lying to him either, nor were you being casual and careless. It was just the plain truth: life is fine, life goes on, and life is happy.

It is so easy to lose sight of one's value. I overpriced myself. My ego, now dust, blinded me.

I still think some blame should accrue themselves to you though. Even if you do not feel them. You are still young, fresh out of school, not even knowing what and how to go about your life. I have made myself clear enough, and you heard me. I did not leave it to you to make out ambiguity, but certainly, I did not expect to have them returned to me in such blatant fashion.

You should have known what to say, especially when I did not press for a hasty answer. Your replies are given time. Not thinking about the matter does not help to solve the matter. I was being too noble, too big, and you did not comprehend. God works through people to get His work done, dear. Things won't work out if they are not His will, and that will be the time we know. I know, now.

The damage is but collateral. I did not allow the problem to grow, or God didn't. Maybe in your perception, I am still the good guy who's doing well and happy, too busy to call, but still a friend. We're still friends. You're still waiting for him, same place and all.

Things are better this way I guess. The distance will serve as the cushion between everything else, anything sappy and whatnot. I kept my promise to you, and the distance is helping me. Keeping everything in check and balancing the scale of hearts.

God bless you. Remember to sleep early every night.

Mother's Day

2010-05-06T00:14:00.003+08:00

I told my mother, or rather I sent a text upon arriving, wishing her a happy Mother's Day.

She replied saying I was thoughtful and thanked me.

I was not being thoughtful; merely grateful. But that was all it took to touch my tired mother's heart. I have done too little.

I wonder how many will remember. Everyone, it seems to me, are obsessed with themselves, partners and friends. The mood for special days like Mother's Day is relatively thin in the air, as compared to heavy favourites like Valentines and whatnot. It's really a pity.

Or is it a sign of people tending to focus more and more on themselves?

The reference to parents society makes are not usually reflective of their supposed gratitude. The terms used, such as old and nagging and ridiculous, connote a growing trend of disrespect and arrogance. The fact that we owe our existence to them is conveniently forgotten, very much so in the face of new pretty/handsome couples.

It took her 9 months for this.

I stand alone

2010-05-05T00:20:00.003+08:00

Whether I like it or not, *title* .

Forget the parable of the combined chopsticks or straws. Too long have I tried, and now it is retirement.

Something that comes easily is always regarded as cheap, until and unless it is taken away, the value will not appreciate.

Wisdom is sporadic and terse.

Of A Different League

2010-04-30T00:06:00.003+08:00

Once again, you make me think. Our small talks are so... inspirational.

True to the complexity of human nature, I can only guess. True enough, feelings capture just about it. The rest is left to conjecture.

Apathy might be a way of saying the time is not yet in sight. There is nothing to hold you, and the freedom soars true. Precious moments these are, as you explore yourself and the world with absolute freedom and purity. They will come knocking when the time is up. Your heart can tell.

One step at a time.

They say time is God's way of keeping the pace of all things and all people. Wait for your's. In the meantime, fill the waiting slots with meaningful and rich memories, get to know people, see the world. How short is the period we have to enjoy all these, before life's burdens and responsibilities catch up and fetter our wings. Enjoy and be nourished by them while life is still there, yet remember that it is mortal and does not last forever.

A single being is complicated enough. Rather uncalled for, if another intrudes at this time of our lives. Why run with a leg tied up, when youth calls for speed to enjoy the wind?

Yet we should not fuss too much. Yes they are important, but they are not now. The season is here, and to think of them is what a normal being will do. Efforts to prevent them from overwhelming are, at times, rather funny. Just relax and observe. Being the neutral observer, without one's own heart on the line, gives a clearer view of the food chain. There is really no rush, but ha, don't fuss like our parents!

This school of thought is described by the title of this entry.

The time will come for a serious affair. Enjoying the present will one day lead us to the horizon, no worries. Understanding what's needed, here and now, will ready ourselves to serve.

There is a time for everything. Make sure you know your's.

Don't make me miss you like this.

2010-04-29T19:16:00.006+08:00

Everywhere there is doubleness.

Looking at them, it is unfair for one to shout down the musings that follow through.

Yet the duty is to not conform, for the sake of humanity. In other words, one afternoon of boredom and quietness is better than a frivolous one.

Hey, the time will come. Why not enjoy while it is underway?

*Shrek 1's 'All-Star' comes on*

I was quite turned off when I went to the beach yesterday. The gentle breeze of the sea, always faithfully stroking, is hot and humid. Makes no difference if it is 5 or 6pm, the weather is just downward bad. The eye of the sky glares at everybody, couple or not.

Life is rather a peculiar thing,

I am trying to enjoy.

Kalah Perlawanan

2010-04-25T22:13:00.004+08:00

PKR telah kalah. Kalah kepada BN. Atau PR telah kalah kepada BN?

Inilah lumrah pilihan raya. Ada menang ada kalah. Menang tengok majoritinya, kalah tengok maknanya.

Saya sedih melihat keputusan terpapar di TV. Bukan majoritiy BN yang meningkat, tetapi nampaknya PKR masih keseorangan berlawan menentang BN.

Bukankah PR v BN?

Alamat bahawa PR masih belum bersedia untuk berdaftar. Tanda komponen parti PR yang belum lagi yakin untuk komited terhadap perjuangan DSAI, perjuangan dan harapan Rakyat bumi ini.

Ini yang memilukan. Setelah dua tahun menikmati kejayaan 308, rupa-rupanya, wira-wira kita masih belum bersedia. Pedang masih berada dalam sarungnya.

Semoga-moga, ia dihunuskan untuk berjumpa perjuangan, sebelum berkarat!

Usahlah sedih. Bukankah perjuangan ini sesuatu yang susah dan lama? Di mana jalannya berliku-liku dan dipenuhi onak dan duri? Bukankah rakyat sudah bersuara?

Masa ini merupakan saat genting untuk tunjukkan kepada semua, kemampuan untuk berdiri selepas kekalahan dan kekentalan semangat untuk terus berjuang.

Lawan tetap lawan!

Tunjukkan azam. Angkatkan kepala supaya tinggi, biar sinar kematangan menyilau mata lawan.

Bukankah semua kejayaan bermakna oleh mereka yang berjaya, diperolehi melalui derita dan air mata?

Harapan rakyat masih berkobar.

Don't Speak

2010-04-21T20:13:00.002+08:00

Am now recovering from one of my worst fit of fever.

I thank God for not prolonging the sickness. They never last, or I doubt I will ever get out of that ravenous depression and philosophical state of mind.

Another thing to note is how I no longer get any comments from any readers. Occasionally, one or two. Marketing is amazing, but it is also transient, I guess. Temporary success, hah.

It has also got to do with how I write. I am boring away my readers.

Perhaps life is boring. Can't blame me for that.

Freedom

2010-04-19T17:56:00.002+08:00

Freedom is the absence of troubles and burdens, of troublesome people and matters, or the ability to cope and finally triumph?

Whatever it is, the sense of liberation is wonderful. The soul soars and everything else settles into place. It is palpable in a room, some soul being released from chains.

Some freedom are not easily obtained. Some are obtained and they feel good at first instance, but suddenly, a twinge of regret, or a streak of sadness, may dampen the initial jubilation.

I pray, prithee, earnestly, this new found freedom will not cost us our hearts.

Reality

2010-04-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

Once I wanted to be the greatest,

No wind or waterfall could stall me.

Then came the rush of the flood,

The stars at night turned deep into dust.

As we all can read, supra, the difference between reality and idealism.

Setting out from the beginning with nothing, all there is, hope and hope. Hope against the negative, hope for the positive.

Only to find the difference, sometimes cruelly and painfully.

There is a chasm. The bridge is nowhere in sight. Construction could take up a lifetime.

Standing across is Idealism waving.

A barrage of derogatory slurs seems quite good an idea here. Positioned against oneself.

Sigh.

Third Party

2010-04-13T20:54:00.003+08:00

I knew it, right on the spot, when I saw her walking into the room. I wasn't the only one it seemed; many heads turned too, and their expressions... like hers, unfathomable.

She was unnerved, that much was certain. Walking with head down and anxious eyes peeking behind her hair. I suppose she did not know how to wear like people here as well. But apart from the uneasiness and the apparent awkwardness, she was fine, more than fine. Just fine.

She took the seat behind most of the class, not wanting to meet anyone's curious glance. We rarely get any new people here, and she did look quite peculiar. I could not stop myself from throwing a few glances too.

I was anxious to talk to this girl, seemingly from other planet than Earth. I wanted to speak nicely, as to not make her feel uncomfortable. Then I wanted to make her feel at home, introduce some of my friends to her. May be we can be friends, or so I hoped.

Startled was her expression. I wondered if I was the first to speak to her. She did not seemed to want to prolong any conversation; all I got was her name and she was off. I tried my best and smiled and made small laughs, but it was a mystery whether she took that nicely.

As the days go by, she joined in the group and ate with us. I tried to make small talk, but most of my efforts were evaded gracefully. I wasn't the only guy doing that, and this complicated things. She rarely looked comfortable with conversations. At times she looked forced.

There are times when immaturity hides certain things from youthful eyes. There are certain instances when the heart is hidden from understanding. I suppose I was at this crossroad, when it all happened to her and us.

All of a sudden she was sitting there, separated from us by a long shot. I did not understand, and I relied on rumours. I looked for traces of evidence.

She was more...natural with them. She flushed when talking with them, and that's colour I have never seen during her days with us. Her eyes shined brightly and her features magnified magnificently. A group's worth of laughter would never elicit that from our new classmate.

Soon she comes to class with them, in their car.

I suppose that we just aren't good enough. That is some bitterness in that thought, but I could not think of another. May be the sight of us did not look welcoming. It could be the fault of the girls in our group, and then the guys who cannot wait to jump on her. I do not know. My resources have been exhausted, and really I cannot find another idea to befriend.

Perhaps this is all destiny. Some people are just... different.

Crazy

2010-04-10T21:06:00.000+08:00

Moving into this stage of life, I now see the relevance of what we used to learn, and ironically, used to write in long essays for sole academic purposes.

They are not exactly academic now.

When we wrote about dysfunctional families, we never thought that somehow, it will happen to a friend close by, or even to ourselves. It should stay in the essay, never intending serious harm. Instead it is alive and kicking in life.

When we read about tragic romance stories, all they did was move something in our chests, or maybe fish out a tear or two. I guess it's normal to stare blankly at the romance drama revolving around our lives now, it's so common. Stare blankly, simply because we don't know what to do? How to react? All those questions, because we never expected them to happen in real life picture. Or our secret hope is that they don't.

It's all just so... crazy? Some of these situations, they don't have a cut and made solution. They are answered by questions, creating more questions, and I don't know, but :

' When people run in circles, it's a very very mad world... mad world... '

I get it

2010-04-09T20:16:00.000+08:00

I get it.

Ever since its entry, life has never been the same. That’s nothing particular; change is the only constant thing in most lives. But it certainly is different now.

Its difference I cannot describe acutely; being part of it is this disadvantage. The neutral, undisturbed, silent observer always has the benefit of seeing things revolve, and the people who play the drama get their lines out.

Once I said this: I used to fight my place into the script; now I quietly accept my exile. The centre is fast becoming the periphery. It is pointless to note its value or right and wrong. Rather, what should be focused is the benefit that comes from the change.

I have allowed myself to stray and soften. Perhaps I foresaw it, but I was nevertheless, curious and adventurous. It was reasonably foreseeable, the difficulty is not intimidating. I allowed the temperature to turn a few degrees higher, and ever since then I have been subjected to its endless petulant disturbance and distraction. There are, of course, certain short and crisp sweet feelings in between, but now is not the time. The temptation of friends and world had had overwhelmed me, and it is now happening again, a course of broken hearts and regrets.

The time has come for command and control. Enough that my defence is stifling. Offence with measure is the novelty now. The smile is no longer necessary, but it should come at a natural pace. The heart opens at time’s invitation, time, an old and familiar fickle friend. Why should a smile conceal pain, the pain being the culprit of future reckless destruction. Tell the pain to its face that it has no place here, nor there, and it will flee. There is much courage and toughness needed, and never easy, especially when addressed to a reluctant and unwilling audience, who prefer the old hurting ways. Tough times do not outlast tough people; it is the other way around.

Surely, after spending time in the previous mentality, it takes time to adjust back into the old ways. Better ways. There is too much softness, too much sappiness, and they must be departed from. I am confident, in God, that they will return some other time.

The Call

2010-04-06T13:54:00.002+08:00

Goodbyes are rarely easy. They seem to get easier with practice, but it's never thought of as being casual, especially the person in question carries much weight in the heart.

The one thing that makes it easier is the knowledge that only a call is the true separation.

All it requires is a call, and everything clicks in.

No need to say goodbye.

May be a goodbye kiss. A final attempt to put everything into something. With the mentioned knowledge, of course.

Or else it is always hard to dismiss. Petulant feelings within.

You are not reading this.

2010-04-05T14:58:00.002+08:00

Not really in the flow of blogging now.

Something

2010-03-28T22:28:00.002+08:00

When people say that people and things change with time, I do not usually believe them.

Some things are meant to last. Tampering with that belief, with doubt and uncertainty, will eventually lead to the concluded conclusion. So, in other words, what you believe within will manifest itself in your life and become reality. You have created your own existence with your mind.

Positively used, this power can change and improve the fates of nations. I see it a waste to use it to bind one's existence to a pathetic fallacy and further restrict any potential good.

At my age, everything is so uncertain. Volatile is the name of the game. People come and people go. Lovers come and leave stains, and they go on with life. Life carries every one of us and then separates us. We may never see a person again.

I never knew that Genting could be this cold.

Pending

2010-03-28T16:45:00.001+08:00

Life is better when it is pending.

No movement, no elevation, no action, no nothing.

Pending.

Caution

2010-03-24T22:16:00.002+08:00

Some say that I changed, better than what I used to be, more on the bright side. If only they know, it was you.

Like a fire in my head, life now has more colours to see, and they put smiles on every faces I meet. Dreary may the days go by, but sunny rays are at home with the heart.

Caution is required, yet. Cases of steam running out, and the repercussions that follow, they are far too common. I have been warned to stay on the track, at least until things settle down. Stay on the track, they say. That way its beauty will be preserved, and no regrets shall haunt my days. There should be no forcing, no coercion, just the gentle flow of the river in tune with divine guidance.

I know that this is going to get better. I know this for a fact, as long as we stay on the track. Even if this does not turn out the way my secret heart yearned, I shall be grateful, for I have not hurt you.

Journey

2010-03-23T19:59:00.002+08:00

Life is a journey, and I want you to be in the car with me. Having you beside me, the car is no longer a shell.

Why travel in solitude, when laughters are easy in your company? Just a smile would do to keep the journey upbeat, and it is never the same.

I don't need a secret place. The world needs to know about us, and no matter what I will let them know. Just make sure you let me know too, k?

Your hand I will hold, even with tears glistering on it. Your smile I will preserve, even with pain hidden beneath it. There is nothing about you I will discard.

The girl who accepts a ride on my bike will be my bride!

2010-03-16T19:58:00.005+08:00

Neither my blog or my life is boring. It's just that sometimes I tend to solve things in my head and then couldn't be bothered to put it out here.

But still, a guy with a motorbike is certainly something to blog about, with regards to girls of course.

For those who missed out my story of my bike, here it is. =)

We were eating and talking until it was getting late. I volunteered to fetch her home, with my bike of course. It was a fair amount of distance, but I was confident. Only thing is, she wasn't. I talked about spooky taxi uncles and their weird habits, and she went straight to a cab and got into it, waving as the car drove away.

Baby are you down down down down down ...

Then only I realised that no girl, particularly in Penang Island, would want to hitch a ride on a bike.

Thinking objectively, the reasons are pretty obvious. The island is known for hazardous drivers with powerful cars, with little care for public nuisances like motorists. Not to mention the roads, hardly enough space to contain traffic. Surely a pretty lady wouldn't want to find herself in the middle of a dogfight-like maneuver, zigzagging between holes in the flow of traffic. Surely she wouldn't appreciate being horned at loudly and then have the driver responsible drive pass with a loud noise from the engine.

To put all their worries into one simple sentence: once the bike knocks something, you kena directly 1 wor.

You gotta admit, they've got a point here.

What about subjective reasons? I think they are the reason why the title of this post was liked by 16 of my facebook friends. People just like to speculate. Let me list out some of the things people said:

1) One of my classmates said that she is ok with it, and that her mother used to go around in motorbike too.

-Thing is, she was the first, and indeed the last, to say this. And she is in a relationship now. Told me that she is willing to hitch a ride if I don't make her a bride. =x

2) Coy. A wise old willow told me that some girls don't mind the ride itself; it is about the rider. They have to hold onto something during the course, and they are too shy to hold onto the rider. Not that I am repulsive or anything..

-Speechless about this one.

3) Some volunteered jovially.

Entering into the season, a car is increasingly becoming a must if you want to court some chicks. Sometimes the girls just come at you and all you have to do, Mr. Driver, is cast the net and the school is caught.

My point is, until I got a car, pretty much the status quo will remain.

Update

2010-03-15T00:23:00.000+08:00

Will update soon.

Topic? Recent popularity at my facebook. =p

Nineteen Years Old

2010-03-08T19:20:00.004+08:00

After dinner I walked to the field. It was an impromptu decision; I could hear Marcus asking Mum where was I going, and Mum answering in the negative.

I walked forth and back in the field, not thinking about anything. After a game of Dota in many weeks my eyes felt strained with the game's progress and its various movements. I wanted to look far into the horizon, to look at the Malaysian hills in the distance, and let them relax.

Some of the young kids and their parents eyed me curiously. In their minds, somehow an adolescent should be quite away from this place, where their kids rule.

I kept my pace, now trying to soothe the pain in my stomach. I did not realised until then, but I ate quite a big plate of rice just now. The amount of my consumption is not of great interest to me now; during younger days I used to boast or compete about this topic, regarding it as some kind of personal accomplishment if I can eat more than my nearest competitor. Now, I eat what I can, or what I feel I can, with no such thoughts.

Lifting my head, I saw the ever melancholic, yet romantic evening sun, shining its few last minutes of rays before finally settling for the night.

I thought of past evenings, and their usefulness. How many of them have passed in my nineteen years of life, and how many of them have I truly appreciated? This of course, leads to the question whether have I utilised life.

It is the inevitable that my peers and I are fast approaching adulthood, being 19 this year; there are already some who could not wait for it to truly happen. I accept that progress with hope, anxiety, a little occasional cynicism, and with a tinge of sadness.

People will no longer call me young and ignorant. Instead they expect maturity and competence, or promising signs of it. Although I feel young inside, the heart ever ready to play and jump and the mind devising ways to manifest, people don't see it that way any more. Going onto 20 next year will surely require some adjustments and tolerance.

This is my last year of real youth. People who have more than 2 decades of age, I consider them adults and hence, 'old' . Despite this fact, there is no reason to tear, no reason to lose spirit. Instead it should be bright and hopeful, ready to shine and enjoy transient life.

Saying goodbye to those years left behind is not going to be entirely pleasant, but this is life and it is a must. I will choose to accept and venture with all positivism. I kiss memories goodbye, tuck them securely into a treasure box and walked forward with a new one, for surely adulthood is filled with excitements and new discoveries!

Shawty

2010-03-07T23:09:00.004+08:00

Life is always a mixture of everything.

Life, to me right now, is pretty stable and all, but it is ticking like a time-bomb. Everything we do, we will reap its fruits in the future. Somehow, the things we do will get back to us eventually, and 'be sure that our sins will find us out' .

Laziness gets in the way and creates sadness and regret, unhealthy elements of life.

Sometimes, gratitude comes during a laze on the bed, or in between a conversation at a kopitiam. Surely life is just that simple, surely we as her living tenants know how to appreciate that!

If gratitude is a person, complacency and jealousy are his enemies.

Fang watching life passing by.